Well guys, it happened. For the first time in easily 10 years, I decided NOT to glue myself to the 2.5 hour Oscar Red Carpet.
PAUSING FOR REACTION & RECOVERY.
Look, Giuliana & Seabreeze are absolutely dear, dear friends of mine, but I had the chance to hang out with this girl:
LOOK AT HER!
But don't you worry, I did some fast catch up so that I can provide you with my hugely insightful commentary. For a lackluster movie year, I'm not feeling particularly inspired, but we'll give it a go.
Top 10 pre-show awards:
1) Most Humbling Moment: "The Dictator" spilling Kim Jong Il on Seabreeze:
2) Most Unexpected Fashion Inspiration: Ice Capades
3) Woman who really wishes she chose not to wear gold:
especially because this girl did:
4) Worst Tribute to the Role That Made You Famous:
Did you mean for your hair to look like that?
5) Best Dress Made in Candy Spelling's Wrapping Room:
6) Most Unexpectedly Odd Posing:
7) Most Irritating Actress Who Wants Us To Take Her Seriously. For Serious:
Dressing like you're 90 is not going to make people forget you're on ABC Family's Secret Life of the American Teenager with Molly Ringwald.
8) Best Use Of A Dress From Cache:
Proof that capes do not always make you chic. Or able to fly.
9) Image That Most Accurately Represents Their Marriage:
Being a princess ain't worth it.
10) Best Product Placement: Glad Bag x2:
Now, onto the show:
Oh hey Morgan. Ever since you started showing up everywhere with a glove on your hand and announcing your marriage to this girl, I'm losin' respect.
The intro montage & opening number were both clever-ish. Sweet & safe. Just like Billy.
I don't miss Anne & James, but at least with them, I had more snarky material to mock. Making fun of Billy is like making fun old people falling. It's just not nice.
Carl the seat-filler is getting a shout out from Tom Hanks. I'm not quite sure why - is this like when the actors pretend to acknowledge their stunt doubles as "the hardest workers on set", when you know they don't really mean it?
Instead of kicking off the show with Supporting Actress & Actor, we're knockin' out a couple snoozers like Cinematography & Costumes (Hugo, The Artist). Even they know they're boring.
PDiddy's ex & current (alleged) flame present best make-up.
Meeting of the minds.
The first big award of the night goes to Octavia for Best Supporting Actress. She must be all out of good speeches because tonight's was an incoherent mess. I get it's a big deal, but get it together, girl.
Man they're trying real hard to spice up these montages. Couldn't we eliminate the Cirque De Solei bit in favor of ending 15 minutes earlier?
P. Diddy's documentary "Undefeated" just won. Still, no one will see it. Side note: He's sitting with Cameron. Just sayin'.
Adding some life to this evenworsethanusual ceremony, is Emma Stone in her big, bad dress. I'm almost considering forgiving her for copying Nicole Kidman's 2011 Christmas Spectacular:
In a move that surprises exactly no one, Christopher Plummer wins Best Supporting Actor for his role in "Beginners" (a solid little film if you haven't seen it).
45 minutes have passed since my last attempt to type, but there is literally nothing to say. Not even the bridesmaids can energize this living Lunesta.
The last hour went a little something like this:
-French guy wins for directing "The Artist". He's the Roberto Benigni of 2012.
-Meryl gives an award to James Earl Jones & Oprah, which is good. Cause they need more awards.
-French guy wins for best Actor. He seems quite charming. I hope he's not the Gerard Depardieu of 2012.
-Meryl wins for a movie I will never see. Though I enjoy her speeches, Viola was robbed.
-The Artist, a movie I will never, ever see, is apparently the best of the year.
Ladies & gents, I'm out. I can only promise this will be better next year if the movies promise to be worthy of the awards.
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