Bachelor Recap: It's All Happening

Well Rose Lovers, we've made our way to Panama City (because nothing says romance like a politically charged canal). The "ladies" are all settled into their deluxe suite when Ben & his horrendous hair drop off the first date card...

Date 1: "This Could Be The Date That Changes The Rest Of My Life" - Kacie B.
Bachelor Buffoon & Kacie Baton Twirler helicopter off to their very own "Lost". If only that crazy Aussie guy was there to not push the button (if you watched "Lost", this joke killed. If you didn't, sor.)

"Teamwork is a big part of a relationship. Today is a good example of whether or not we'd be able to work together in the future." - Ben

Yes, most couples find themselves stranded on a deserted island with only a stuffed monkey, a bag of Charleston Chews, and a camera crew.

"I'm kinda looking forward to diving in deep tonight." HEYOHHHHHHHHHHH

Kacie B-for-Baton chooses to share her eating disorder with Ben over dinner. This sealed the deal for Ben. He rationalizes that any girl that can keep herself from eating can put up with looking at his humidity-induced dreadlocked hair without puking.

Closing thought: "On a scale from 1 to wonderful, today was fantastic." Thanks Kacie.

Date 2: Who Wears Short Shorts 


The "ladies" follow Ben to a dirty river (where oddly, Courtney does not bring up skinny dipping), for some rainy jungle fun.

The ridiculous group of not-famous people invade an "unsuspecting" village of people who just happen to have beaded bathing necklaces & loin cloths for the group.

Sluts Mcgee decides to go braless so a block of pixels (and Ben's drool) follow her around for the entire segment.

The rest of the prudes who chose not to flash America 2 weeks in row all spent the day dancing with the natives & talking about Sluts M instead of throwing themselves at Bachelor Buffoon. Somebody sure is "winning".

After making out with all of the girls (while staring at Catalog Model (aka Sluts McGee) looming in her bikini in the background), he decides to give the rose to Lindzi, the girl that I'd like to believe is too smart for this shitshow, but then I remember that she signed up for it.

Catalog Model, jilted by not receiving the date rose, invites Ben to her room for a little "quiet time", but he doesn't show up. This face ensues:

Date 3: Once Upon A Time There Was A Guy On A Date With Two Girls He Didn't Like


Ben picks up Man Voice & the Lounge Professional for a 2-1 salsa date. This oughta be underwhelming.

The Zumba teacher shows up to torture these 2, Dancing With The Stars style.

Poor Man Voice is reliving her junior high dance days, takin' it all in from the sidelines. Blakeley (Lounge Professional) is pulling her various best Catalog Model moves, but it's too little, too late.

Keeping the junior high theme alive, Blakeley shares the Slam Book she created for Ben, full of magazine cut outs of words and images of their pretend future life. Let me be clear: She made him a scrap folder decorated with kidnapper magazine cut outs.

Cut to a gratuitous shot of stray cat walking past her LOS (Limo Of Sadness). Peace out Blakeley. Get yourself some therapy. A 34-year-old woman who makes magazine collages is likely in need of a little counseling.

UH-OH CHRIS HARRISON HAS A SURPRISE FOR THE BLONDE GIRL WE'VE NEVER HEARD SPEAK:

What did Casey do? She had the GAUL to come onto this show having feelings for an ex-boyfriend.

So wait. You mean to tell me that someone on a reality dating show might be using the platform to get back at someone? Kinda like a game? I. Am. Floored.

Ben decided to take advantage of this easy out, sending the blonde who barely spoke home, pre-rose ceremony. Hey Casey, free tip: Contrary to popular belief, going on a reality show to get over someone is not a solid plan. Turns out your problems will follow you all the way to Panama City.

The Finale: See Yah Jamie, Thanks For The Memories

After the most dramatic reveal ever, the Rose Ceremony feels a bit anticlimactic. All of the girls feel the need to OPEN up about their CONNECTION in a last ditch effort not to be eliminated.

Guess what? They're all "falling". Not down, in love.

Catalog Courtney's take: "I feel like I might be going home. Just kidding." She's awesome.

"I need to show him I am fun and sexy and I want to please him." - Jamie single-handedly clobbering years of Gloria Steinam's work while straddling him on a bench.

I am going to show him how to kiss and it's going to be really natural.

Oh Prudes McGee. You're a day late and ho-bag short. Catalog Model & Lounge Professional already cornered that market. Thank you, however, for providing America with one of the most unintentionally hilarious moments in Bachelor history.

Until next week, when the Buffoon takes us to Belize where very little actual drama will ensue.