Bachelor Recap: Journey, Journey, Adventure, Journey, Journey, Magestic

Oh Rose Lovers, you know what I was just thinking I need? A solid recap of the last 8 week's as told by Ben The Buffoon's voiceover.

 

Oh Yay! ABC must have heard my daydreams.

Let's review: There's Nikki, his buddy who jumped the I love you shark last week (but hey, she was a real sport the day it rained in Vieques, so surely that's a metaphor for something). And poor Lindzi, it appears he could take or leave her, but man he sure would like to take his future kids to her parent's house. And we can't forget about Catalog Model. He just can't resist that "nerdy" magnetism luring them together.

Unfortunately Ben doesn't realize that the "magnet" is her Cat Lady venom & the only nerd on this show is him.

Anyhoo, onto the action:

DATE 1: NIKKI - "My relationship with Nikki is getting to new heights...yet it's grounded." - said over footage of a helicopter over the alps.

"Relationships can be a wild ride, but you know what, (saidinhighpitchtone), who better to hang out with, than Nikki."  - Ben convincing exactly no one that she's got a shot.

"I feel comfortable when I'm with Nikki. I feel like we're on a good path." -A PATH TO FACEBOOK FRIENDS.

FANTASY SUITE RESULTS: She takes the ancient key that I'm certain opens nothing, and continues to tell her good buddy Ben how much she loves him. In a hot tub. While he stares off into the distance.

Prediction: Peace out Unidentifiable Brunette.

DATE 2: LINDZI "We are heading to the next level." - Said while climbing a rock.

Know what sounds fun? Repelling. NOPE.

But you know what I can't deny? It's exactly like a relationship

"People jump in. People get scared. Things get tough. You gotta be there for each other."- Thanks, Lindzi.

Man these ABC wunderkids are nailin' it this season.

The two buddies make their way to another hot tub (apparently the only place one can really express their FEELINGS). Guess what? She's falling in love.

Observation: I'm no relationship counselor, but maybe - just maybe - the reason none of these "relationships" work out has something to do with the fact that they have nothing to talk about at dinner when their days don't revolve around repelling, helicopters, or "journeys".

FANTASY SUITE RESULTS: Ben is "honored" she wants to spend the rest of the night with him. I bet he is. You know what I'm loving about this sequence? The Disney orchestra choreographing their every move. Ick.

Prediction: She's in the final 2, but she's gonna get her pathetic little heart broken.

DATE 3: "It's nice knowing I can just walk with her and feel comfortable. That's what I've been wanting to do for a long time." - Ben articulating his expectations.

"It's been a really long journey...I feel bad for treating the girls the way that I have."

I'LL TAKE A DAY LATE AND A DOLLAR SHORT, MR TREBEK.

I know the Oscars were last night, but I think the Academy got it wrong. MERYLSHEMRYL, Courtney Catalog Model FOR THE WIN.

I swear I'm not doing this to be famous.

FANTASY SUITE RESULTS: Take one guess. Ben tells Courtney the delivery of this Fantasy Suite invitation is a "big step". The only step here is the fact that they're not doin' it in the ocean.

p.s. In case you were concerned, we did 3-peat with the hot tubs. Chlamydia for everyone!

SPECIAL SNEAK PEEK OF NEW BACHELORETTE: EMILY MAYNARD.

Sassin' it up with former "ladies" who have invaluable advice for the Good Christian Bitch.

They make their way to a private showing of "Titanic 3-D". Why? Because this show is a walking cliche. Having said that, I am over the moon about this new season. Mark my words - Emily is a blond version of Courtney. She's going to eat those 25 guys up, secure a few more covers of US Weekly & continue to warp the mind of her poor little "Ricki".

UH-OH, THE BATON TWIRLER IS BACK. After fixing her hair 3 times and holding her fist in front of the door, she finally knocks. So why the trip across the country? 2 things:

1) She needs answers. He blames the hometown date. All of America screams "SIKE" at their TVs. 

2) She needs to tell him not to pick Courtney.

Dumbfounded facial expressions ensue. He's such a dope.

Know how I know you're a child? You said, "this is the hardest thing I'll ever have to go through."

THE MOST DRAMATIC ROSE CEREMONY EVER:

Ben sits down with Dr. Rose & his over-sized Pier One Frames to discuss his "confusion".

Let me clear it up for you, simpleton:

1) Nikki is your buddy, but you do not want to make out with her.
2) Lindzi is who you should like & you know it, but...
3) Under no other circumstances would you have a prayer at landing a model. Even if it is only until next month's "What Went Wrong" US Magazine cover.

Rose 1....Lindzi

Rose 2...Catalog Courts

Poor little Texan in her unfortunate toga are booted to the LOS. Courtney wishes her a safe trip while manically laughing inside. Next week the "ladies" are reunited. It's gonna be spectacular.