Bachelor Recap: I'll See Your Metaphor And Raise You A METAPHOR

Hello Rose Lovers. Welcome to Belize, where we will spend the next 2 hours asking...

Do you BELIZE in love?

Let's start today off with a brilliant quote from everyone's favorite baton-twirler, Kacie B:

"I am as in love with Ben as I can get."

Oh I bet you are, you idiot. Between you & the last remaining Unidentifiable Brunette's tearful "...this is all really real..." breakdown I'm this close to changing the channel.

KIDDING! THISISTHEHIGHLIGHTOFMYWEEK.

This is the episode where Ben confronts Catalog Model & we hear him say:

"One of my fears is ultimately being with a woman who I like, but no one else does." - Well Ben, your future called. Her name is Courtney.

Let's get started.

Date 1: HELICOPTERS ARE THE SAME AS RELATIONSHIPS
Lindzi is the lucky winner of metaphor date number one. Guess what they have to do? Jump out! Kind of like how you have to JUMP into relationships because it's a LEAP of faith.

"He's worth the fall." 

After the terribly meaningful dive into the ocean, the two lovebirds write a pretend story & put it in a bottle for someone (likely a PA who will have to dive into the ocean) to find.

Oh Lindzi. The only thing your story has in common with the one in the bottle is how horribly stupid it is.

Date 2: DO YOU BELIZE IN LOVE. 
Emily, the bland blond is the winner. Oh Em. You were interesting when you were telling Ben about Catalog Model's behind the scenes antics. I lost interest when you APOLOGIZED to her in a desperate move to earn Ben's favor. HAVE A LITTLE SELF RESPECT.

"I'm psyched (said in high-pitched tone) for today. I've got something planned that's right up my alley" PAUSE "I hope she likes it." - Ben feigning interest.

Uh-oh. They're going diving. I smell a FISH IN THE SEA METAPHOR COMING.

Cut back to the house where Courtney is trying to undo weeks of damage by crying in her confessional. She's really hurt by Ben taking Emily (her arch nemesis) on a one-on-one date. She just doest know, America, if she'll accept that rose if Ben gives her one. 

Oh Courts come on. You're not going to pass up a chance at additional weeks on TV. 

Date 3: WITH EACH STEP...

Phew, Catalog Courts wins the date so we will be treated to a full segment of her performing. 

Confessional side note: Kacie B is PISSED. We're seeing a whole new side of our favorite abstinence club pres. She will cut a bitch.

Cut to the top of big rock where Courtney & Ben are hangin'. Our favorite model is struggling. She's just not sure if she's ready to bring Ben home. OH MY GOD THIS GIRL IS A GENIUS.

Watching Ben's face as she tells him "she's lost the spark" is like watching a little kid being lured into a big white van at the promise of candy. 

Once our girl got Ben a grovelin', she proclaimed: "Each step Ben & I took is like a step in a relationship. Each step I took, I left behind the hurt & the drama." 

Ben says he's "certain" of Catalog Model. 

I'm certain he's thinking with the wrong head.

Date 4: IT'S ALL ABOUT DIVING IN HEADFIRST.

Ben is taking the 3 remaining ladies to "shark alley" where they will swim with Jaws and face their fears. JUST LIKE IN A RELATIONSHIP.

I could tell you how Man Voice conquered her fear of sharks (ofcourseshedid), and Kacie B whined about it, but you didn't have to watch the show to know that. 

In what is probably the biggest act of desperation this season, we're now forced to watch these girls beg Ben to come home and meet their parents. They're all ready for this step. And you know what? They're super great at reading Ben's "signs".

"For Ben to just smile & kiss me, says more than words can. It means he's feeling the same way."- Kacie B, grasping at straws.

The Finale: THE BEGINNING OF THE END.

After expressing their concerns to Ben about Courts, the "ladies" are all convinced she's going home. But we know better, don't we Rose-lovers?

Crazypants and her pina colada art project are even more koo-koo than usual at tonight's cocktail party. She is hella confident. And she's stirin' things up.

In what can only be called THE MOST DRAMATIC ROSE CEREMONY EVER, Ben pulls Catalog Courts aside to make sure she's there for the right reasons. She says yes. He believes her. He's super bright.

Here are our top 4:

I truly don't understand how Ben could be watching these episodes back and not feel like a total ass. No amount of ABC editing could fake this. Just ask Ellen.