Oh I love 'em, I love 'em, I love 'em. As per use, I'm settled in for 5 hours of vanity, ass-kissing, faux-loving, and if we're lucky - Gervais-skewering-fun.
We'll focus on fashion first & snarky award show feedback second.
Pre-show Predictions: Pitt will upset, yellow will be the color of the night, & Ricky will deliver.
Seabreeze, LollipopHead: LET'S DO THIS.
Ricky is first up on the carpet, starting off the night on a rough note with an eggplant "That Thing You Do!" number. Those wacky brits.
George, you're lookin' old. And the older you look, the younger the ladies next you to appear. You're one Laker Girl away from Polanski territory. Stacy seems pleasant. Maybe just stick with her.
Octavia Spencer: First thought "gorgeous". Second thought "plastic barbie head".
Claire Danes loves to rock the "ihavenoboobsandiloveit"-look. I think there's a way to do it. This is not it.
Piper Pearbo...Sweet girl. You're trying so very hard to have a moment. Have fun on the USA network.
Missi Pyle...I don't know who you are and I don't care. But you're wearing yellow & I want to be right about my predictions.
Jessica Chastain: I thought you were 25.
Mirelle Enos wins for best transformation. And she's in yellow. BOOM.
Oh, Morena Baccarin. You're going for Elizabeth Hurley, circa 1996 (remember the dress that made her famous? No? Well, just go with it). If there are aliens out there, I think you are their leader.
Diane Lane. Damn.
Sofia Vergara is tough to beat on any carpet. But between Kmart, Pepsi, and Cover Girl, I'm over it.
Shailene Woodley would not bug me if she did not talk.
Sarah Michelle Gellar told LollipopHead that she let her 2 year old pick out her dress. I think she means she let her make it.
Paula Patton is rockin' my color of choice. Rockin' it well, Mrs. Thicke.
Melissa McCarthy. Oh dear.
Elle Macpherson is running to her quickie wedding with Slash right after the show.
Viola Davis: Should be on the Best Dressed list. I look forward to your acceptance speech later this evening. HEARTS.
Zooey Deschanel you are so hip it hurts. PUT A BIRD ON IT.
My boyfriend is from Springfield, MO too. This makes Ang & I twinsies.
Rooney Mara, we get it. You're dark. You're edgy. You pierce things. Kristen Stewart called. She wants her schtick back.
Paraphrased quote from Charlize Theron on "Chelsey Lately" earlier this year: "It's weird seeing myself in this role where I look like myself. I'm used to making myself look ugly."
Jessica Alba & her bangin' twobabybody make pregnant women everywhere want to drown in a bowl of carbs.
Jessica Biel's ghost showed up to present.
Reese & I are going to be best friends. Just as soon as we meet.
Onto the show...
Opening monologue wrap up: Ricky hasn't seen Jodie Foster's "Beaver".
Johnny Depp seems to have acquired Madonna's fauxaccent. I still love him. Side note: Have you seen the trailer for the new "21 Jump Street"? Travesty.
Best Supporting Actor in a motion picture: Christopher Plumber, "Beginners". He's old & sweet, so, duh.
Best Actress in a TV Show Comedy: Laura Dern wearing Angie's dress from last year. I wanted Zooey or Amy.
Irrelevant side note: She still bugs:
British people are accepting an award for best miniseries ("Downtown Abbey"), which I've heard is like Days of our Lives, but in period costumes.
Kate Winslet won for "Mildred Pierce" again. I feel like I saw that movie 4 years ago.
Irrelevant side note 2: I love that Michelle Williams and Busy Phillips (who met on "Dawson's Creek") are BFFs.
I think Melissa McCarthy is legitimately afraid of Ricky Gervais. She's way not herself tonight. And I know this because we are great, great friends.
Kelsey Grammar just won for the Chicago-born series, "The Boss". Side note: They film it across the street from my apartment. His new flight attendant wife gets her nails done at the same place I do. Apparently she's a fruit loop.
"Homeland" is the first thing to win that I am psyched about. One of the best shows on TV in forever. I TOLD YOU TO WATCH IT.
This show is in desperate need of a Tiny Fey/Amy Pohler bit.
Madonna just won for writing a song none of us will ever hear in a movie none of us will ever see.
Michelle Williams wins for "My Week With Marilyn". She seems so very fragile. I miss Heath Ledger.
One of my faves, Peter Dinklage, wins for Best Supporting Actor in a TV show ("Game of Thrones"). Couldn't be happier with this choice. He told us to google "Martin Henderson", so I did. This is horrifying.
Oh Madonna, how I love you & your perfectly insane driving gloves. I think you are the only person in that room that scares Ricky G just a little.
Homeland is sweeping. The Hollywood Foreign Press loves Claire "Temple Grandin" Danes. She is incredibly unlikeable on the show, which I think is the point.
COMMERCIAL INTERLUDE: Not sure if you heard, but "Smash" debuts after the Super Bowl. And also, whatever Lola wants, Lola gets.
Joey Tribiani just won an award! Remember when he cheated on his first wife and hooked up with his co-star on the craptastic "Joey"? Turns out they're still together. Yay for cheaters!
Octavia's purple dress is growing on me. She seems fun. And not just because she made a poop pie in "The Help".
I can't decide if Sidney Poitier is walking slow because he's old or because he's waiting for everyone to stand. No biggie either way, he's awesometown. If you haven't seen "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner", you're dumb.
"Modern Family" wins for best comedy. I'm good with this, though would have been super good with "The New Girl" upsetting.
Best Actor, Comedy/Musical apparently goes to the French guy from "The Artist"'s eyebrow.
Helen Mirren is gorge. Her bit is not so good, but I believe she does love Morgan. Who doesn't?
Angelina "Star Trek" Jolie just presented Scorsese with the Best Director Award for "Hugo". I can't decide who seems the least fun.
Meryl Streep for the Best Actress/Best speech win! She's talking and talking about who knows what and it's terrific.
"The Artist" is the best musical/comedy of the year. Hmm. I guess I have to see it.
George beat Brad for best actor. I have to say, I liked Brad ("Moneyball") better. Neither role was ground breaking, so I suppose in a year of mediocrity, it doesn't matter much.
"The Descendants" for best movie of the year. Ehh. It was okay, but if that's the best of the best, 2011 was as blah as this awards show.
See you at Oscars.
p.s. I was 1 for 3 on my predictions. I'll try to do better next time.
no comment on how much Madonna is into herself?
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