Bachelor Recap: Catalog Model is WINNING

Oh Park City Utah, you are full of more than just Mormons now that the 13 remaining Bachelor "ladies" have taken over. Though I will spend some time highlighting all of the dates, there's only one story coming out of tonight's melodrama and her name is Catalog Model Courtney.

Quote to beat #1: "I have fond memories of being outside."- Ben

Date 1: Rachel "Let's let nature take it's course."

Requisite helicopter date!

"I like where things are going with Rachel, she's (crinkles face) great."- Ben

These 2 have 0.0 chemistry. I don't know why, but I can't help but feel like she's his old babysitter and he's finally old enough to ask her out. Maybe it's her man voice. Or the fact that she's talking about her crow's feet. Or the beaver damn across the river.

She keeps talking about not wanting to "open up". How about just talking? Jesus this is painful.

Somehow she managed to snag a rose.

Date 2: Group Date - Fishing. SPOILER ALERT: IT'S A METAPHOR.

Catalog Model Courtney has her claws out. This is gonna be fun.

Ben takes his "ladies" fly fishing, but not before he nearly falls off a horse crossing a river.

Catalog Model highlights (spoken in insanely high pitched baby voice):
"Watch out for poop." - Reaction to the horses
"I've got my eye on the prize."
"Winning."
Also enjoyed the faux fist-pumping when she found out about the fly fishing. She's not even trying that hard to feign interest. OPEN YOUR EYES BEN.

Kacie B. is talking about her connection with Ben again. If Ben likes Catalog Model, there's no way this Abstinence Club President has a prayer.

Samantha, who has never had a 1-on-1 date with Ben, thinks she should have a ring on her finger. The talk she's having with him by the fire is making me uncomfortable. I find it ironic that he questions her intentions, yet sees nothing wrong with Catalog Model's antics.

Well that didn't take long. She's outta there. We barely knew yah, Sam.

Kacie B. and her oversized sweater are feeling "reassured" by the makeout session in Ben's room. This really is a great example for young girl's everywhere.

Catalog Courtney is workin' Ben ("I'm so nervous") to get that group date rose. Man, she is "winning".

Date 3: Jennifer Dives into a Crater SPOILER ALERT: IT'S A METAPHOR

Honestly, I have nothing to say about this date because it's so super boring (though she says it was "the best night of her life"). She's gonna get a rose tonight, but I doubt she'll make it past the next round.

The Finale Performance: "Ladies At Their Finest"
Emily is trying to get Ben to open his eyes to the fact that he's been played HARD.

LISTEN TO HER YOU SIMPLETON.

She goes on to have the most insightful comment of the night when she starts to question Ben's intelligence/intentions given his penchant for playas. Will she still accept his rose? Of course she will.

Nicki (otherwise known as Unidentifiable Brunette) is somehow still on this show. She definitely falls into the category of "here because you are forgettable and easy to eliminate".

Ben decides it's time for Monica to go home. In the Limo Of Sadness , she pontificates on whether or not real love even exists. Oh sweetheart.

DON'T HATE THE PLAYA, HATE THE GAME.

Dear Ben: If you thought it was humiliating when you proposed to whatsherface last season (and she denied you), that was NOTHING as compared to this comedy. Don't get me wrong, watching you play right into Catalog Model's hands is thoroughly entertaining. But Jesus you look like such a fool. And if the previews for episodes to come (and buzz on the interwebs) are accurate, she's not going anywhere. Sad, sad boy with bad hair.

Dear Courtney: I look forward to seeing no one vote for you on Dancing With the Stars, 2013. Well played.