THE BACHELOR IS BACK

I'm not sure if you've seen the promo or if you caught Monday's premiere, either way, there's no chance the following could ever get old:

Well played ABC.

It is my commitment to you, dear readers, to provide you with a recap of the show every Tuesday. Why? Because I love you. And also, it gives me an excuse to feel 0.0 guilt for watching the deliciousness unfold each week.

Here are some of my early favorites based on last night's show (a few didn't make it, but I'll post about them here to extend there 5 minutes):

Amber T (aka Sob Story):

Pro: She seems normal-ish. Can't hate a nurse who raised her siblings. Con: Bad fashion.

Blakeley (aka Stupid Name):

Pro: She's a VIP Cocktail Waitress (sure she is) with a tattoo that says "love is patient, love is kind". Con: None that I can see as her name is Blakeley.

Courtney (aka Catalog Model):

Pro: She looks like the kind of girl who would cut a bitch. Con: She thinks she's starring in her own reality show (which may, in fact, be a pro).

Holly (aka The Muppet):

Pro: Umm. Con: Sometimes the ones that look crazy are actually a snooze.

Jenna (aka Jenna Jessica Parker): 

Pro: See the promo video. JJP likes her Chardonnay. Con: I predict an early exist.

Monica (aka Equal Opportunity):

Pro: She hates Jenna Jessica Parker and she hits on women. Con: Pretty sure she's not interested in Ben. He should catch on when he sees her spooning Blakeley (aka Stupid Name).

Lyndsie J (aka The Brit):

Pro: She's not the cutest, but her accent is endearing. Con: He will likely put her in the "friend zone".

Lindzi C (aka ZZZ):

 

Pro: America will love her. Con: I predict she'll have her own Bachelorette season (in other words she won't win).

I look forward to mocking the dialog, the back-stabbing, and the awkward making out in waterless hot tubs. Cheers to these ladies for making women 23-35 look awesome. 

You're welcome Gloria Steinem!

Quotes of the night:

JJP: "Why does she hate me out of no where?"
Blond Man Voice: "Cause that's what girls do".

Equal Opportunity: "If she comes at me latahhhh, I'm gonna cut her face off."