Crappy Movies Coming Soon!

Dear Hollywood,

It's January. You know what that means? Time to release the movies that make us all embarrassed proud to be Americans! These are the most special cinematic treats that you geniuses think are critical for mass audiences to spend $10 on. Do you do this because you know we're suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder? That's just mean.

2011's not awesomeness.

If you were nice, you would do us a solid & release the good stuff. The kind of movies that someone like me (a person with eyes) would actually look forward to seeing (you remember how to do those, don't you?)

Instead, you somehow convince yourself that this is what we want:

Katerine Heigl:

Look! I'm sassy! I'm going to fake this Long Island accent for 2 hours while doing nothing interesting, surprising, or mildly entertaining. #peakedasizzie

Nicholas Cage:

I have to make shitty movies so that I can not pay my taxes and buy leather jackets. #conair

The Notebook 2:

Rachel hasn't had a hit in awhile. Pretty sure this will keep that trend alive. #notthenotebook

Queen Latifah:

No. #nunsense

These 4 gems are just the tip of the cinemapoop mountain. We've got Liam Neeson chasing someone (again) in "The Grey", Mark Wahlberg as a thief with a heart of gold in "The Italian Job" "Contraband", and - wait for it - Drew Barrymore starring alongside a whale/shark/dolphin-creature in yet ANOTHER inspiring tale of sea life beating the odds & actually LIVING IN THE OCEAN ("Big Miracle").

I have to believe that there are talented writers with stories to tell that don't revolve around church choirs, amnesia, and love stories as told by 12 year old girls with diaries & lipsmackers.

Until then, I'm prepped to grab my bag of pick 'n mix & settle in for some mediocre -> hugely terrible storytelling.

Thanks for nothing.