Bachelor Recap: What Up Puerto Rico

Observation #1: Chris Harrison is wearing a ring on his pointer finger & it's distracting.

I continue to be charmed by Catalog Model & her "you better check yourself, bitch" interview etiquette. The fact that her "prize" is this guy, makes it all the more ridiculous:

Date 1: UB (Unidentifiable Brunette) Gets a Date! And it's on a HELICOPTER!

"I kind of want to know what it's like to be alone with him...but I feel as if the foundation has already been laid." - UB (whose name is Nicki)

"I'm having so much fun...I'm with the man of my dreams...It's like God is smiling down on us right now."

Yep, I'm sure you're exactly what he/she/it is focused on.

Uh-oh, it's starts raining on the not-destined-to-be-lovers. They decide to buy authentic "Puerto Rico clothes", which ends up being an all-around unfortunate move for both of them. Ben picks an all white ensemble I can only compare to a doily with sleeves & Nicki selects an ill-fitting scarfblanket. They STUMBLE upon an actual wedding taking place in Vieques, which is, of course, a sign. Noitsnot.

UB (and her rudolph nose) get a rose, despite being a divorcee Ben only wants around for marriage advice. Speaking of, the "speech" that accompanied his rose-gifting sounded a lot like what a recruiter might say to someone who didn't get the job, but sure did try hard. This show is so stupid.

Date 2: A League of Their Own, Starring Catalog Model as Madonna's character, The Slut

The ladies have to compete against each other in their 1970s gym shorts & knee highs to get time with Ben. This show is so stupid.

The girls run around the field doing "drills" before the BIG GAME at Roberto Clemente Stadium (I'm sure this is exactly what Roberto envisioned). Watching this 2 inning game felt a lot like watching my little brothers 13 inning t-ball games. Same pace. Same skill set (no offense Matt).

"Who knew strippers could play baseball."- Catalog Model, Courtney critiquing Lounge Professional, Blakely.

Catalog Model & her victorious back up bitches fly off with Ben while Blakely & her boo-hoo-ers schlep home on the short bus. Sad trombone.

As the winning ladies spend some beach time with Ben, it becomes pretty clear that this race is coming down to Abstinence Club Pres & the Catalog Model.

After Prudey McGee (above) gets the rose, Sluts McGee will not be outdone. She teases the poor dope with promises of some skinny dipping at a later date. Thanks to the previews, we know this is something that is happening, horrifying women with morals nationwide.

Date 3: UB 2 Gets A Date (Apparently her name is Elyse)

This genius gave up her job to be on this show because she "believes in it." Jesus. This show is so stupid.

In case you're counting, they've mentioned the weather 4 times and we're 2 minutes in.

After some lounging on the yacht & frolicking in the ocean, Ben suffers through a dinner on the beach where he's unable to give UB 2 a rose. All 24 years of her are devastated. Will she ever find love, America? Instead of the Limo of Sadness, she has to wade her way through the beach to a dinghy that inevitably takes her right to her coach flight on Southwest Air.

Catalog Courtney's take? "Maybe she drank too much and her Jersey Shore came out."

David Gray is playing again. The rose is thrown into the ocean. Oh good God.

THE FINALE: "I don't know if he's ever skinny dipped with a model before."- I don't need to tell you who said that.

"I'm about to rock your world."

Okay, this girl is honest to God writing her own show. She should be studied. There should be college courses on her. There should be a comic book villainess based on her. I would write all of her quotes down, but then I would have to write absolutely everything she says. This girl knows exactly what to say & what to do. She has a Masters in Reality TV.

Ben, allegedly, feels "crappy" about the "intimate moment" he spent with Courtney. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say he wasn't feeling too crappy last night.

After some sad attempts to remind Ben who they are, the rest of the "ladies" line up for the roses. Everyone gets one except for poor, hiccup weepy Jennifer.

Closing Thought: All of the girls who get sent home seem to ask what they did wrong. Um, you filled out a form and sent in a video to the casting team at The Bachelor. Let's start there.

Until next week, my fellow rose-lovers...

Weekend Roundup: Favorites

Sometimes you have the kind of weekend where everything comes together & you get to do all sorts of good stuff.

For me, that includes:

Coalfire with my friend that I heart.

Massage!

Dinner with my bestie

Movie & lunch with the ladies

Award show to wrap it all up.

Another 5-day work week...YAY.

If I Could Only Watch One Network...

...It would 100% be AMC.

To be clear, this fictional "youonlygetonechannel" scenario would be a NIGHTMARE for me. As many people know, I love me some Lifetime. The thought of losing the network that has brought me such joy in the form of "Golden Girls", "Reba", and fillinthblank idiotic (and by idiotic, I mean genius) MFTVM*, is a reality I hope never to face.

However.

Quality programming is quality programming.

Yes, I love "Mad Men" (though I hope they plan on running a cheatsheet "here's what happened 3 years ago when this show was last on the air" prior to it's return this summer).

But really, the 3 series that caught my attention this year (albeit a bit late) are as follows:

"Breaking Bad": I may, or may not have watched the entire first 2 seasons over the holiday. OOPSIE. If you're not watching this show, you're doing yourself a disservice. It is one of the most interesting human stories I've seen on TV, maybe ever. The plot plays out like a movie you don't want to end (can't remember the last time that happened). Bryan Cranston is brilliant as the personification of average. Watching him evolve into someone anything but average makes for riveting television. Prior to watching, I was always irritated by Cranston's continual sweeping during awards season. Now I get it.

"The Walking Dead": Yes, yes I know. Everyone cool is already watching this show. I just talked about how much I love the Lifetime Network, so no one should be surprised that I'm behind. Because I do not like horror films or zombies or vampires or anyone that has interest in eating my flesh, I assumed the series was not for me. Score 0 for Lauren's instincts. Much like "Breaking Bad" (but in a completely different way), this is a human story. Yes there are a zombies (and they are nasty), but the focus is on the people who survived/are surviving. It's fascinating to watch these relatable characters attempt to find natural order (and some normalcy) in an unnatural world. Plus, there's a love triangle. Sold!

Honorable Mention:
-"The Killing": Yes, this show faltered mid-season, but it rebounded in the finale. Though I'm not sure I still care who killed Rosie Larson, I'll be tuning in to see if they can get me interested again.

*Made For TV Movie

Arch Angel is a Real Person

So after two years of devoting my brows to the same the same waxing expert, she up & moved to Japan with her Marine husband.

Selfish.

After doing some searching on yelp, my sister-in-law (also abandoned by above waxer) discovered a woman who calls herself the "Arch Angel". And she's serious.

This is not her.

When I called to make my appointment, she kept me on the phone for 20 minutes so that we could review her "rules" and "policies". At the time, I questioned whether or not she was offering to wax my brows or become my surrogate.

It was the most intense commitment I've made in 2012.

I decided to give it a go. At the very least, I figured I'd get a post out of it.

Here's all you need to know:

1) Her space looks like a gazebo in a Greek restaurant. Think plastic roses and white wicker.
2) She absolutely talks about herself & how good she is for the bulk of the appointment. I much prefer silence.
3) She's a brow genius. The woman is downright OCD. And she's efficient.

If you're willing to pay $45 and listen to a soft-spoken, if mildly self-obsessed woman talk about herself, you're arches will thank you for it.

Front of the card.

Back of the card.

Oscar Noms: My .02 Cents

For all of you gunning to pull in the $25 from your office Oscar poll, here's my best guess (note: I've won my office pool 2 years in a row, NBD). Given that my favorite movie of the year, "Drive", was snubbed across the board, I'm tuning in only for the fashion & Billy Crystal.

Winner predictions are in BOLD.
Snubs are listed in italics.

BEST PICTURE
"The Artist," Thomas Langmann, producer - Though I cannot say I loved this movie as much as the rest of America, it's by far the most original, so sure. Best Picture it is.

"The Descendants," Jim Burke, Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor, producers
"Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close," Scott Rudin, producer
"The Help," Brunson Green, Chris Columbus and Michael Barnathan, producers
"Hugo," Graham King and Martin Scorsese, producers
"Midnight in Paris," Letty Aronson and Stephen Tenenbaum, producers
"Moneyball," Michael De Luca, Rachael Horovitz and Brad Pitt, producers
"The Tree of Life," Nominees to be determined
"War Horse," Steven Spielberg and Kathleen Kennedy, producers
Snubs: Bridesmaids, Drive


LEAD ACTOR
Demián Bichir, "A Better Life"
George Clooney, "The Descendants"
Gary Oldman, "Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy "
Brad Pitt, "Moneyball"
Jean Dujardin, "The Artist"- He's a charmer. His eyebrow "acted" more than George, who I believe phoned it in.

Snubs: Ryan Gosling ("Drive", "Ides of March"), Michael Fasbender "Shame")


LEAD ACTRESS
Glenn Close, "Albert Nobbs"
Rooney Mara, "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo"
Meryl Streep, "The Iron Lady"
Michelle Williams, "My Week With Marilyn"
Viola Davis, "The Help"- Meryl is her biggest competition, but even Meryl thinks she deserves it.

Snubs: Tilda Swinton ("We Should Talk About Kevin")


BEST DIRECTOR
Michel Hazanavicius, "The Artist"- I'm predicting a sweep, if you couldn't tell.

Alexander Payne, "The Descendants"
Martin Scorsese, "Hugo"- They do love Martin, but not for this.
Woody Allen, "Midnight in Paris"
Terrence Malick, "The Tree of Life"-He shot a beautiful, pointless movie. 
Snubs: David Fincher ("The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo")

SUPPORTING ACTOR
Kenneth Branagh, "My Week with Marilyn"
Jonah Hill, "Moneyball"- I like this nomination. Truth be told, I like large Jonah over hungry Jonah.
Nick Nolte, "Warrior"
Max von Sydow, "Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close"
Christopher Plummer, "Beginners"- In the battle of the old guys (see Max V above), he's got the momentum. Coincidentally, he deserves it.

Snubs: Bryan Cranston ("Drive")

SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Bérénice Bejo, "The Artist"
Jessica Chastain, "The Help"
Melissa McCarthy, "Bridesmaids"- Kind of like when Marisa Tomei shocked everyone for her win for "My Cousin Vinny", MM has a chance to upset.
Janet McTeer, "Albert Nobbs"
Octavia Spencer, "The Help" - She'll win. And she should.

Snubs: Some will say that Shailene Woodley ("The Descendants") deserved a nod, but I don't agree.


WRITING (ADAPTED SCREENPLAY)
"The Descendants," Alexander Payne and Nat Faxon & Jim Rash
"Hugo," John Logan
"Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy," Screenplay by Bridget O'Connor & Peter Straughan
"The Ides of March," George Clooney & Grant Heslov and Beau Willimon
"Moneyball," Steven Zaillian and Aaron Sorkin. Story by Stan Chervin-This will be the movies only nod. Aaron Sorkin can do no wrong according to the Academy anyway.

WRITING (ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY)
"The Artist," Michel Hazanavicius
"A Separation," Asghar Farhadi
"Bridesmaids," Annie Mumolo & Kristen Wiig- I would love this to upset, but it won't.
"Margin Call," J.C. Chandor- Side note, you should rent this one. It's good.
"Midnight in Paris," Woody Allen-He's swept everything else. And it was a surprisingly charming little story.

ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
"A Cat in Paris," Alain Gagnol and Jean-Loup Felicioli-What the hell is this?
"Chico & Rita," Fernando Trueba and Javier Mariscal- Ditto for this.
"Kung Fu Panda 2," Jennifer Yuh Nelson-For serious?
"Puss in Boots," Chris Miller-Nope.
"Rango," Gore Verbinski-Yep. For originality if nothing else.

FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
"Bullhead," Belgium
"Footnote," Israel
"In Darkness," Poland
"Monsieur Lazhar," Canada
"A Separation," Iran- Arguably better than any of the films up for best movie of the year. Spoiler alert: It's not a comedy.

ART DIRECTION
"The Artist," production design: Laurence Bennett; set decoration: Robert Gould- This one will be tough to beat given that the film hinges on the beauty of B&W design.
"Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2," production design: Stuart Craig; set decoration: Stephenie McMillan
"Hugo," production design: Dante Ferretti; set decoration: Francesca Lo Schiavo
"Midnight in Paris," production design: Anne Seibel; set decoration: Hélène Dubreuil
"War Horse," production design: Rick Carter; set decoration: Lee Sandales

CINEMATOGRAPHY
Guillaume Schiffman, "The Artist"
Jeff Cronenweth, "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo"
Robert Richardson, "Hugo"
Emmanuel Lubezki, "The Tree of Life"-The only thing anyone who has seen this movie says is "it was really beautiful". That's because no one gets the rest of it. It should win this category.
Janusz Kaminski, "War Horse"

COSTUME DESIGN
Lisy Christl, "Anonymous"
Mark Bridges, "The Artist"- See above for rationale.
Sandy Powell, "Hugo"
Michael O'Connor, "Jane Eyre"
Arianne Phillips, "W.E"


FILM EDITING
"The Artist," Anne-Sophie Bion and Michel Hazanavicius-I'm predicting a sweep. 
"The Descendants," Kevin Tent
"The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo," Kirk Baxter and Angus Wall
"Hugo" Thelma Schoonmaker
"Moneyball," Christopher Tellefsen

MAKEUP
"Albert Nobbs," Martial Corneville, Lynn Johnston and Matthew W. Mungle
"Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2," Nick Dudman, Amanda Knight and Lisa Tomblin-Could be a nod for Glenn as a Man (in "Albert Nobbs"), but the sheer volume of characters in Potter should lock this one in.
"The Iron Lady," Mark Coulier and J. Roy Helland

MUSIC (ORIGINAL SCORE)
"The Adventures of Tintin," John Williams
"The Artist," Ludovic Bource
"Hugo," Howard Shore
"Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy," Alberto Iglesias
"War Horse" John Williams-I feel like he always wins when he's nominated.

MUSIC (ORIGINAL SONG)
"Man or Muppet" from "The Muppets," music and lyrics by Bret McKenzie-No question
"Real in Rio," from "Rio," music by Sergio Mendes and Carlinhos Brown; lyrics by Siedah Garrett
There are a few other categories that I know 0.0 about. I typically guess. So good luck on those ones.
See you on Feb 27 for a recap.

Bachelor Recap: Catalog Model is WINNING

Oh Park City Utah, you are full of more than just Mormons now that the 13 remaining Bachelor "ladies" have taken over. Though I will spend some time highlighting all of the dates, there's only one story coming out of tonight's melodrama and her name is Catalog Model Courtney.

Quote to beat #1: "I have fond memories of being outside."- Ben

Date 1: Rachel "Let's let nature take it's course."

Requisite helicopter date!

"I like where things are going with Rachel, she's (crinkles face) great."- Ben

These 2 have 0.0 chemistry. I don't know why, but I can't help but feel like she's his old babysitter and he's finally old enough to ask her out. Maybe it's her man voice. Or the fact that she's talking about her crow's feet. Or the beaver damn across the river.

She keeps talking about not wanting to "open up". How about just talking? Jesus this is painful.

Somehow she managed to snag a rose.

Date 2: Group Date - Fishing. SPOILER ALERT: IT'S A METAPHOR.

Catalog Model Courtney has her claws out. This is gonna be fun.

Ben takes his "ladies" fly fishing, but not before he nearly falls off a horse crossing a river.

Catalog Model highlights (spoken in insanely high pitched baby voice):
"Watch out for poop." - Reaction to the horses
"I've got my eye on the prize."
"Winning."
Also enjoyed the faux fist-pumping when she found out about the fly fishing. She's not even trying that hard to feign interest. OPEN YOUR EYES BEN.

Kacie B. is talking about her connection with Ben again. If Ben likes Catalog Model, there's no way this Abstinence Club President has a prayer.

Samantha, who has never had a 1-on-1 date with Ben, thinks she should have a ring on her finger. The talk she's having with him by the fire is making me uncomfortable. I find it ironic that he questions her intentions, yet sees nothing wrong with Catalog Model's antics.

Well that didn't take long. She's outta there. We barely knew yah, Sam.

Kacie B. and her oversized sweater are feeling "reassured" by the makeout session in Ben's room. This really is a great example for young girl's everywhere.

Catalog Courtney is workin' Ben ("I'm so nervous") to get that group date rose. Man, she is "winning".

Date 3: Jennifer Dives into a Crater SPOILER ALERT: IT'S A METAPHOR

Honestly, I have nothing to say about this date because it's so super boring (though she says it was "the best night of her life"). She's gonna get a rose tonight, but I doubt she'll make it past the next round.

The Finale Performance: "Ladies At Their Finest"
Emily is trying to get Ben to open his eyes to the fact that he's been played HARD.

LISTEN TO HER YOU SIMPLETON.

She goes on to have the most insightful comment of the night when she starts to question Ben's intelligence/intentions given his penchant for playas. Will she still accept his rose? Of course she will.

Nicki (otherwise known as Unidentifiable Brunette) is somehow still on this show. She definitely falls into the category of "here because you are forgettable and easy to eliminate".

Ben decides it's time for Monica to go home. In the Limo Of Sadness , she pontificates on whether or not real love even exists. Oh sweetheart.

DON'T HATE THE PLAYA, HATE THE GAME.

Dear Ben: If you thought it was humiliating when you proposed to whatsherface last season (and she denied you), that was NOTHING as compared to this comedy. Don't get me wrong, watching you play right into Catalog Model's hands is thoroughly entertaining. But Jesus you look like such a fool. And if the previews for episodes to come (and buzz on the interwebs) are accurate, she's not going anywhere. Sad, sad boy with bad hair.

Dear Courtney: I look forward to seeing no one vote for you on Dancing With the Stars, 2013. Well played.

Weekend Roundup: Snowed In

Had a quiet, snowy weekend that majored in couch time and minored in human interaction.

Friday at Coco Pazzo with my friend that I heart for one year...

Saturday morning at Exhale followed by an afternoon on the couch, catching up on the week's mediocre TV (hours I cannot get back, but do not regret).

Sunday included a second trip to Exhale, the weirdest brow waxing experience of my life (more on that later), and revisiting my favorite spot on the couch with my Kindle to keep me company.

The five day week does not excite me in the slightest...

Work Happiness

Even on the most monotonous Tuesday, I'm able to find a second (however fleeting) of happiness thanks to  the following:

1) Wall of Love.

My favorite people.

2) Words of Encouragement.

Thank you alovelyescape.blogspot.com

3) Phil Collins station on Spotify.

This station also plays Peter cetera and Roxette.

4) Love letter from both of my boyfriends.

Riggins!

5) New favorite non-gum (trying to chew less gum in 2012).

2 boxes a week.

So those are my things. I also love a stop or 2 on perez, popsugar & ew. I need my distractions. Happy Friday!

Things I Will Not Wait In Line For

1) Garrett's Popcorn. Sure it's good. But is it stand-in-the-cold-for-30 minutes-with-tourists, good? Nope. Spoiler alert: They sell it at the grocery. And airports. And it smells the same.

2) Any establishment with a name that includes the word "lounge", "bar", or "club". Typically this is not an issue for me as right around the time these idiots are lining up, I'm laying down. This image was selected for a reason. See if you can find it.

These are not my people.

3) Anything that is only on sale between the hours of midnight at 6 AM. I don't care what it is, I don't need it that bad. And also, this happens.

Grandma is about to get taken out.

4) Food Trucks. I am not okay with this trend. None of the food is very good, and also, I do not believe any of these meals on wheels are up to code. It's like eating food prepared in the bathroom of an airplane. #idrathereatmyhair

5) Anyplace that is offering to sell me a wedding dress at 1/2 price. These women look insane, desperate, and also, insane. I would rather wear jeans.

Ladies: This is not a contact sport.

There are things I will wait in line for (good seats at the movies, ice cream in July, Santa), but nothing listed above is worth my time, stomach, and/or limbs.