VMA Recap: An Exercise in Stupidity

Let me start by saying that, yes, I am clear on how stupid award shows are. Stupid celebrities with stupid outfits getting awards for what were (more often than not) stupid songs/movies/performances.

But in a world where people named J-Wow are famous for (allegedly) having STDs, the only movies being made are remakes ("Footloose" makes me want to puke), and the closest thing America can get to royalty is Kim Kardashian, no one should be judging me.

So, to quote the Hemingway of our generation, Pitbull, "sharing is caring", here are my thoughts on the fashion, the performances, and the overall idiocy of the 2011 VMAs.
p.s. To keep things light, I will taking a shot every time "the Lord and savior Jesus Christ" gets a shout out.

Selena Gomez. You seem great. Truly. But you lost me with the Bieber thing. And this dress. I don't get the vamp goth train trend (aren't we on to zombies now?). Yes, it's all over the runways, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's good (see shoulder pads and body suits for additional evidence).

Nicki Minaj: The wannabe Gagas trailing down the black carpet are "asstackulous" (to use a new Nicki-ism). Ironically, Miss Thang is the biggest Gaga-offender in this ice cream (thank you for that subtle necklace cue) SARS look. What a fun twist on a killer epidemic.

 Adele. Goddess. But if I hear "Rolling in the Deep" one more time I'm going to...nevermind. I'm just going to keep listening because you're a goddess.

OMG, Beyonce & Jay-Z are procreating. Now we know where we're going to get the new Oprah.

When Britney met Selena. Brit-brit is a cougar in this scenario. I can't wait for Justin B to do his version of "Cry Me a River" when Selena cheats on him with one of the guys from "Hunger Games".

Gaga: We get it, you were born this way. I dunno how her performance or the whole androgyny bit (based on the audience shots, no one seems to get it) will be received, but you know what? The girl can sing. And I dig that she finds a new way to sing the same song over & over.

Katy Perry. Is it possible to have Chronic Katy Perry Fatigue Syndrome? If so, I have it.

Best Pop Video: Really? Britney? Is this 1999 all over again? I thought this song was only used for the BRAVO TV credits. Apparently not. First God shout out of the night!

Jay-Z and Kanye: Kanye is dressed like Kid Rock and Jay-Z is paying homage to Run DMC with the oversized hat & the Timberlands, but they killed it. Otis Redding rulz.

Best Rock Video: FOO FIGHTERS FOO FIGHTERS. Holy crap I love me some Dave Grohl. Top 5.

Best Hip Hop Video. Rainbow Brite- I mean Nicki Minaj. GOD SHOUT OUT. I'm sure he's super thrilled about your win.

Best Collaboration: Katy Perry & Kanye. $50 says they've never met in person. Regardless, I do love that E.T. song (I might have a fantasy that revolves around me competing on So You Think You Can Dance, doing a routine to that song choreographed by Little C). NBD.

Adele: Again, goddess. This song breaks my heart every time.

Best Male Video: Justin Bieber thought to thank both God AND Jesus. I really think that's important as lots of impressionable young atheists aren't clear on the fact that they're not the same person. #namedropper

Dammit Chris Brown: I really wish you weren't a girlfriend beater. You. Can. Dance. But, much like drafting Michael Vick in my fantasy team, watching you dance makes me feel guilty. p.s. you're a terrible lip syncer. p.s.s. I love Jay-Z for not standing up. #lovethewayyoulie

Gaga is back: Remember when Michael Jackson (RIP) was on stage with Britney back in '99 thinking he was getting an award, when really he was supposed to be announcing the actual award's existence? Well, tonight's exchange between the male Gaga (we'll call him "Gogo") and Britney (this time receiving MJ's fake award) is almost as bad.

Jordan Catalano and Zoe Saldana: Did anyone else think she said "Young Vagina" as opposed to "Young Giant"? These guys sound like Band of Horses, only not as good. Having said that, they were one of the best performances of the night.

  
Best Female Video: Sir Gogo wins. Note: Her take on Pacino circa "Scarface" is gettin' old real fast.

Amy Winehouse: Seeing her sing with Tony Bennett actually made me sad. Rumor has it she was sober when she died, which means her body just gave out. Ugh.

Katie Holmes presents video of the year:
1)  Why is she there? It would make more sense if she brought her ruler, I mean daughter, Suri.

 2) And then Katy Perry wins wearing a cheese Lego on her head. #3hoursicantgetback

Pretty sure I found the perfect song to wrap up tonight's festivities:

Until the Emmys!