In lieu of a red carpet, we head back to that weird Caribbean island that no one can spell or pronounce. Everyone's favorite LoveDoctor & an audience full of overly-expressive SSLs (SadSingleLadies) are ready to guide us down the final path to love. It's going to be a bumpy JOURNEY, but I believe (about as much as Seal, Michael Bolton & Peter Cetera), Love Will Find A Way. After a quick dip in the pool & an even quicker sound bite regarding Ricki meeting the guys, we get right into the "action".
Segment 1: Jef meets the parents.
This whole section was a snooze.
1) Mom's engagement ring-shaped earrings are distracting.
3) Everyone avoiding the elephant(s) in the room. Is he a Mormon? Is his hair for real? Does he know he spells his name wrong?
Segment 2: Arie's TALK show.
Oh Arie. Werrrrk it.
After an awkward start, Slick Rick breaks the tension with a box of dead roses. The family is won over in an instant.
Segment 3: Everyone is confused.
Mom, Dad, ERNIE & his silent bride-to-be are unable to provide The Princess
nonBride with a clear-cut answer on who she should pick. Does she like either one of them? Emily fears this is all just a game...WAIT A MINUTE.
I just want to be on TV.
Segment 4: Jef's last stand.
Net-net: After 10 minutes of scripted angst & back/forth re: should Ricki meet Jef...Jef meets Ricki.
As I've predicted all season, he nails his manny audition. Ricki seems excited to have a friend her own size to play with.
Emily & Jef's voice over packages remind all of us sitting at home, that they "get" each other. They continue their celibate path at night's end, sending each other home to take a cold shower.
Before we get to Arie, we cut to some sweet, sweet sound bites from our expert audience panel. Thanks, Paisley. Lady from Texas. Your insight has proven to be incredibly critical to all of us understanding what went on here tonight.
SURPRISE Segment 5: Poor, poor Arie.
In an emergency session with Doctor Chris (who seemed genuinely disappointed her big surprise wasn't that she picks him), we learn that Emily can't even fake it through another date with Arie because she knows Jef is The One. To her credit, she probably didn't want to introduce Ricki to too many dudes. Let's reinstate her for mom of the year.
I'm sorry, Arie. Maybe that producer is still available.
Before Arie hears his fate, the producers insist upon going through the motions of the poor man creating a "love potion" for Emily. Oh honey. Nothing you're gonna pick in that garden is going to be enough to get you through the next 4 minutes.
She shows up in the Limo of Sadness. It's awkward. And sad. Well, "sad" relative to other reality TV show dramas. Not sad as compared to actual real life drama.
The dramatic heartbeat sound effects in her mike are spectacular. Well done, ABC audio man.
The studio audience is heartbroken. How do we know? They're not whooping like idiots and the sad violin music tells us so.
My job is very serious.
Before we get to the reason we're all here, we need to
fill time hear from a panel of Bachelor/Bachelorette cast-offs. Each one offers a quote more useless than the next. My favorite moment was when the girl (whose name does not matter) from Brad's season made a face when Chris called her Emily's best friend. #nolovelost
Segment 6: Let's Do This
Our girl bounces back from yesterday's heartbreak and gets ready for her big proposal. She pretends she might not accept, but we all know that's just a bunch of West Virginia Hooey.
Jef meets up with his new BFF Neil Lane to pick up his free ring. Then, we watch him roll up his royal blue slacks & walk the beach thinking his voiceover package aloud for all of us to hear.
While Jef ponders his journey, Emily puts on her finale pageant dress - PEACHES AND CREAM AND GOLD AND SPARKLES - what a delight.
My plan to blend with the pots is a success.
The proposal in a nutshell: Emily loves Jef. Jef loves Emily. God says so. After an incredibly ridiculous dramatic pause, she accepts the rock.
I TOTALLY called the Peter Cetera reference earlier in the night. Cue this gem:
Ricki makes her big entrance to meet her new "family". This poor child does not have a shot at normalcy. Unless her view of normal is Kardshain-esque. If that's the case, then she's a-okay.
Hey Ricki, I'm your new dad. The end.
Much like Oscar Sunday, the hype was better than the event. I look forward to following along with the "reporters" at Us Weekly who will no doubt document their apparent "mission" trip to Africa to save the children. I wonder if they allow 4 buckets of makeup in the tents. Fingers crossed the cameras follow them. I smell a Good Morning America special report!
The Bachelor is up next. Will it be Roberto? Sean? Arie? Only time will tell. See you then.