My super clever friend Emily decided to have some of us over for a little potluck.
Instead of the usual random covered dishes (or botched recipes), she asked us each to bring one thing that we eat at least a couple times a week. A staple. Breakfast, lunch or dinner -didn't matter. What resulted was a super telling look in the everyday lives of some of my favorite people. Though not the best "meal" I've ever had, I can confirm that we are all very simple people.
Here were the offerings:
Molly's salad from Club Lucky.
My Almond butter & jelly + dark chocolate covered almonds.Dinner of champions.
Katherine apparently eats a lot of pizza from Whole Foods.
Oh Rose Lovers, you know what I was just thinking I need? A solid recap of the last 8 week's as told by Ben The Buffoon's voiceover.
Oh Yay! ABC must have heard my daydreams.
Let's review: There's Nikki, his buddy who jumped the I love you shark last week (but hey, she was a real sport the day it rained in Vieques, so surely that's a metaphor for something). And poor Lindzi, it appears he could take or leave her, but man he sure would like to take his future kids to her parent's house. And we can't forget about Catalog Model. He just can't resist that "nerdy" magnetism luring them together.
Unfortunately Ben doesn't realize that the "magnet" is her Cat Lady venom & the only nerd on this show is him.
Anyhoo, onto the action:
DATE 1: NIKKI - "My relationship with Nikki is getting to new heights...yet it's grounded." - said over footage of a helicopter over the alps.
"Relationships can be a wild ride, but you know what, (saidinhighpitchtone), who better to hang out with, than Nikki." - Ben convincing exactly no one that she's got a shot.
"I feel comfortable when I'm with Nikki. I feel like we're on a good path." -A PATH TO FACEBOOK FRIENDS.
FANTASY SUITE RESULTS: She takes the ancient key that I'm certain opens nothing, and continues to tell her good buddy Ben how much she loves him. In a hot tub. While he stares off into the distance.
Prediction: Peace out Unidentifiable Brunette.
DATE 2: LINDZI "We are heading to the next level." - Said while climbing a rock.
Know what sounds fun? Repelling. NOPE.
But you know what I can't deny? It's exactly like a relationship
"People jump in. People get scared. Things get tough. You gotta be there for each other."- Thanks, Lindzi.
Man these ABC wunderkids are nailin' it this season.
The two buddies make their way to another hot tub (apparently the only place one can really express their FEELINGS). Guess what? She's falling in love.
Observation: I'm no relationship counselor, but maybe - just maybe - the reason none of these "relationships" work out has something to do with the fact that they have nothing to talk about at dinner when their days don't revolve around repelling, helicopters, or "journeys".
FANTASY SUITE RESULTS: Ben is "honored" she wants to spend the rest of the night with him. I bet he is. You know what I'm loving about this sequence? The Disney orchestra choreographing their every move. Ick.
Prediction: She's in the final 2, but she's gonna get her pathetic little heart broken.
DATE 3: "It's nice knowing I can just walk with her and feel comfortable. That's what I've been wanting to do for a long time." - Ben articulating his expectations.
"It's been a really long journey...I feel bad for treating the girls the way that I have."
I'LL TAKE A DAY LATE AND A DOLLAR SHORT, MR TREBEK.
I know the Oscars were last night, but I think the Academy got it wrong. MERYLSHEMRYL, Courtney Catalog Model FOR THE WIN.
I swear I'm not doing this to be famous.
FANTASY SUITE RESULTS: Take one guess. Ben tells Courtney the delivery of this Fantasy Suite invitation is a "big step". The only step here is the fact that they're not doin' it in the ocean.
p.s. In case you were concerned, we did 3-peat with the hot tubs. Chlamydia for everyone!
SPECIAL SNEAK PEEK OF NEW BACHELORETTE: EMILY MAYNARD.
Sassin' it up with former "ladies" who have invaluable advice for the Good Christian Bitch.
They make their way to a private showing of "Titanic 3-D". Why? Because this show is a walking cliche. Having said that, I am over the moon about this new season. Mark my words - Emily is a blond version of Courtney. She's going to eat those 25 guys up, secure a few more covers of US Weekly & continue to warp the mind of her poor little "Ricki".
UH-OH, THE BATON TWIRLER IS BACK. After fixing her hair 3 times and holding her fist in front of the door, she finally knocks. So why the trip across the country? 2 things:
1) She needs answers. He blames the hometown date. All of America screams "SIKE" at their TVs.
2) She needs to tell him not to pick Courtney.
Dumbfounded facial expressions ensue. He's such a dope.
Know how I know you're a child? You said, "this is the hardest thing I'll ever have to go through."
THE MOST DRAMATIC ROSE CEREMONY EVER:
Ben sits down with Dr. Rose & his over-sized Pier One Frames to discuss his "confusion".
Let me clear it up for you, simpleton:
1) Nikki is your buddy, but you do not want to make out with her.
2) Lindzi is who you should like & you know it, but...
3) Under no other circumstances would you have a prayer at landing a model. Even if it is only until next month's "What Went Wrong" US Magazine cover.
Rose 1....Lindzi
Rose 2...Catalog Courts
Poor little Texan in her unfortunate toga are booted to the LOS. Courtney wishes her a safe trip while manically laughing inside. Next week the "ladies" are reunited. It's gonna be spectacular.
Well guys, it happened. For the first time in easily 10 years, I decided NOT to glue myself to the 2.5 hour Oscar Red Carpet.
PAUSING FOR REACTION & RECOVERY.
Look, Giuliana & Seabreeze are absolutely dear, dear friends of mine, but I had the chance to hang out with this girl:
LOOK AT HER!
But don't you worry, I did some fast catch up so that I can provide you with my hugely insightful commentary. For a lackluster movie year, I'm not feeling particularly inspired, but we'll give it a go.
Top 10 pre-show awards:
1) Most Humbling Moment: "The Dictator" spilling Kim Jong Il on Seabreeze:
2) Most Unexpected Fashion Inspiration: Ice Capades
3) Woman who really wishes she chose not to wear gold:
especially because this girl did:
4) Worst Tribute to the Role That Made You Famous:
Did you mean for your hair to look like that?
5) Best Dress Made in Candy Spelling's Wrapping Room:
6) Most Unexpectedly Odd Posing:
7) Most Irritating Actress Who Wants Us To Take Her Seriously. For Serious:
Dressing like you're 90 is not going to make people forget you're on ABC Family's Secret Life of the American Teenager with Molly Ringwald.
8) Best Use Of A Dress From Cache:
Proof that capes do not always make you chic. Or able to fly.
9) Image That Most Accurately Represents Their Marriage:
Being a princess ain't worth it.
10) Best Product Placement: Glad Bag x2:
Now, onto the show:
Oh hey Morgan. Ever since you started showing up everywhere with a glove on your hand and announcing your marriage to this girl, I'm losin' respect.
The intro montage & opening number were both clever-ish. Sweet & safe. Just like Billy.
I don't miss Anne & James, but at least with them, I had more snarky material to mock. Making fun of Billy is like making fun old people falling. It's just not nice.
Carl the seat-filler is getting a shout out from Tom Hanks. I'm not quite sure why - is this like when the actors pretend to acknowledge their stunt doubles as "the hardest workers on set", when you know they don't really mean it?
Instead of kicking off the show with Supporting Actress & Actor, we're knockin' out a couple snoozers like Cinematography & Costumes (Hugo, The Artist). Even they know they're boring.
PDiddy's ex & current (alleged) flame present best make-up.
Meeting of the minds.
The first big award of the night goes to Octavia for Best Supporting Actress. She must be all out of good speeches because tonight's was an incoherent mess. I get it's a big deal, but get it together, girl.
Man they're trying real hard to spice up these montages. Couldn't we eliminate the Cirque De Solei bit in favor of ending 15 minutes earlier?
P. Diddy's documentary "Undefeated" just won. Still, no one will see it. Side note: He's sitting with Cameron. Just sayin'.
Adding some life to this evenworsethanusual ceremony, is Emma Stone in her big, bad dress. I'm almost considering forgiving her for copying Nicole Kidman's 2011 Christmas Spectacular:
In a move that surprises exactly no one, Christopher Plummer wins Best Supporting Actor for his role in "Beginners" (a solid little film if you haven't seen it).
45 minutes have passed since my last attempt to type, but there is literally nothing to say. Not even the bridesmaids can energize this living Lunesta.
The last hour went a little something like this:
-French guy wins for directing "The Artist". He's the Roberto Benigni of 2012.
-Meryl gives an award to James Earl Jones & Oprah, which is good. Cause they need more awards.
-French guy wins for best Actor. He seems quite charming. I hope he's not the Gerard Depardieu of 2012.
-Meryl wins for a movie I will never see. Though I enjoy her speeches, Viola was robbed.
-The Artist, a movie I will never, ever see, is apparently the best of the year.
Ladies & gents, I'm out. I can only promise this will be better next year if the movies promise to be worthy of the awards.
Warning: It may not be as lengthy (or as coherent) as my usual award show posts. Here's why.
I have a business trip on Monday.
Why does this matter? Well, because of my recent bouts with panic I've decided to fly on Sunday afternoon so that I can take some strong stuff to knock me out for my flight. When I take these drugs 2 things happen:
1) I don't have panic attacks. (LIKE)
2) I'm groggy & out of it. (DISLIKE)
Because I don't want to present in front of 100 people in a drug-induced haze, I decided to fly in a day early & sacrifice the coherence of my Oscar recap. On the upside, it may make me funnier. We'll see.
Fingers crossed the flight goes off without a hitch (I'm not afraid to fly, I just can't control my stupid brain) & I arrive in Cincy in plenty of time to dish on all of the unfortunate fashion choices, underwhelming speeches, and Billy's song & dance.
These two releasing a duet. I smell a bang up hit!
I mean come on.
This girl (Elizabeth Smart) getting married:
Didn't she just find her way back home? This looks like a Sadie Hawkin's Dance shot. Not an engagement picture.
Poor Bobbi Christina. She doesn't have a chance of ever being normal. Especially if she's going to live with this guy.
Please go to rehab.
And finally, I'd particularly like to congratulate the all male panel of congressmen who got together to talk about women's reproductive rights. What a stellar window into the completely ancient minds of old white men this turned out to be. Jon Stewart summed it up best:
Friday night on my couch catching up with all of my DVR Faves...
Strictly high-brow for me.
Spent the oddly Spring-like Saturday having a leisurely breakfast at Meli, wandering my favorite local antique store, and hitting up the trendy new deli in town...
So many things I want for our new place.
We are yuppies and I know it.
Sunday = Tax day. Did 'em. And I'm getting some money back. Most of it is going to pay off my upcoming moving expenses, but whatever. Thanks Uncle Sam.
Monday, the bonus day, allowed for a mid-morning yoga class, grocery shopping & watching 3 episodes of "Shameless". And THE BACHELOR. Suuuuuuper taxing.
After one day back at work, I'm ready for 3 more days off.
Hello Lovers of the Rose. It's time for another 2 hours of mind-numbing "dialog".
As per usual, let's start with a quote:
"Meeting someone's family...you really get a better grasp of who they are."
Well, Lindzi, I guess you & your "boyfriend" have to start somewhere since you've known each other for 5 minutes.
Date one, Lindzi & her horse.
"Growing up riding, it's instilled in you that if you fall off the horse, you get right back up. Just like love."
Yep.
The two pretenders spend the afternoon with her horse (I think she brings that thing with her everywhere), discussing Lindzi's past loves. Ben is thrilled to see her walls coming down. The rest of America is fairly confident she said the same thing last week. Is he on the same show we're watching? I'm confused.
"Vulnerable is a big word for me." In more ways than one, Lindzi.
Side note 1: Lindzi went a little nuts with the spray tan. Holy Bain-de-Solei.
Side note 2: Lindzi pronounces "important", "im-pore-tant".
Her parents seem oddly normal (Chardonnay for everyone! We like San Francisco too!), up until they challenge him to a horse carriage race. In 2012.
"I've never felt like this about anyone." Well, Lindz, accordingly to your mom, he's the second guy you've ever dated (you were very busy with the horse & the drill team up until recently). Call me crazy, but I think you might have more oats to sew.
Parental Verdict: They like him. His "intentions", after all, are good. Irrelevant note: Dad has a bad toupee. Mom needs a haircut. Maybe they can work something out.
Date Two, Kacie B-For-Baton:
Oh Jesus. The drill team is there. She's twirling. He's so embarrassed. If this show functioned like VH1's "Pop Up Video", his thought bubble would say: "There's no f'n way I'm marrying this idiot."
Sealing her fate, she tells Ben the following:
1) Her dad is a probation officer.
2) He doesn't drink.
BYEBYE.
Side note: Kacie B has somehow nailed that unfortunate combination of seeming really young, but looking much older.
The bible belt fam sits down for dinner & listens to Kacie talk about what she's learned & how much she's grown. Ben says nothing. Then she talks to her younger sister who is not buyin' it.
Also not on board? Dad. He tells Ben to cut K-B out now if she's not the one. He's afraid she'll get hurt. Oh Daddy, that ship has sailed.
Parental Verdict: Nope. Mom won't let them live together pre-marriage. Dad won't give him the go-ahead. Prediction? Kacie has seen her last rose.
Date Three, Nikki the Divorcee:
"Last time I brought a guy home, I married him."
WATCH OUT BEN.
We don't look ridiculous. Nope. This is working.
The dark horse (so to speak) shows the Simpleton around her small Texas hometown, ending it with a romantic 45th talk about her divorce. It's always easier to talk about divorce when you're surrounded by pink flowers.
Cut to mom's bed where Nikki tells her mom she's falling in love with Ben. SQUEAL. Mom thinks she looks great, so things must be going well.
Dad seems to have his finger on the pulse of reality, noting that he may have okay'd her first marriage (at 20) a little too quickly. Nikki assures him she's not going to let any stones go uncovered in her relationship with Ben. Apparently Courtney is hiding under under a boulder because she's clueless.
Parental Verdict: Dad gives a really sweet toast, virtually securing her victory in the battle of Nikki versus Kacie B for the 3rd rose (I'm thinking Lindz & Courts are shoo-ins). But I predict a short-lived victory. The girl formally known as "Unidentifiable Brunette" ain't gonna make it to the final proposal. Doesn't mean she won't continue to humiliate herself (she wins the WAYTOOEARLY admission of love award of SHAME).
Oh dumb, dumb girl.
Date Four, Let's See Where the Devil Comes From:
Her mom's name is Cherry or Sherry (and her voice is higher than Courts). And they live on a "compound". And her sister is the Khloe to her Kim (everybody needs a sidekick).
Yep, it's all coming together.
Dad throws together a canned speech about taking a bet or a leap or something about marriage & having grandkids. Mom tells her something in a high-pitched whisper that is irrelevant.
Parental Verdict: They like him. But there's something creepy about Ma & Pa Catalog Model. I can't quite put my finger on it, but there's a tell-all book in our future.
Side note: Apparently Courtney has been living in one huge episode of "As The World Young And The Restless Of Our Lives", because she has been "BETRAYED" a lot.
She also has a penchant for canned gestures. Case in point: Taking Ben to the place she wants to get married. And asking him to write some vows. And then walk down a pretend aisle. In her white dress. Only to have him play right into her genius hands.
The cherry on top of tonight's one act play? Sluts Mcgee's vows. Anybody else watch Sex And The City? Did you recognize her heartfelt "vows"? Here's why:
Oh Courts. Know your audience. If we're watching this shit, there's a real good chance we've seen the above episode on E! no less than 12 times.
The Finale, I Cannot Wait For The Women Tell All:
Ben relives the last 1.5 hours with Mr. Harrison while staring at head shots of each woman in enormous Pier One frames.
First up? Courts. She skips along and accepts her rose with an "I do".
Second? Lindzi. Totally forgot about her as her date seems like it took place 6 weeks ago.
Third...DRUMROLL...
Ruh-Roh. The rose goes to Nikki. I sure hope Kacie B held onto that baton cause she's gonna have some free time. He's real sorry. She's real confused, shouting "What the F$%$k happened?" You dodged a bullet, that's what happened. Now shut up & go home.
The episodes are dwindling. And it's making me as sad as a ride in the LOS (Limo of Sadness).
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