Bachelor Recap: Hometown Heroes

Hello Lovers of the Rose. It's time for another 2 hours of mind-numbing "dialog".

As per usual, let's start with a quote: 

"Meeting someone's family...you really get a better grasp of who they are."

Well, Lindzi, I guess you & your "boyfriend" have to start somewhere since you've known each other for 5 minutes.

Date one, Lindzi & her horse.

"Growing up riding, it's instilled in you that if you fall off the horse, you get right back up. Just like love."

Yep.

The two pretenders spend the afternoon with her horse (I think she brings that thing with her everywhere), discussing Lindzi's past loves. Ben is thrilled to see her walls coming down. The rest of America is fairly confident she said the same thing last week. Is he on the same show we're watching? I'm confused.

"Vulnerable is a big word for me." In more ways than one, Lindzi. 

Side note 1: Lindzi went a little nuts with the spray tan. Holy Bain-de-Solei. 

Side note 2: Lindzi pronounces "important", "im-pore-tant".

Her parents seem oddly normal (Chardonnay for everyone! We like San Francisco too!), up until they challenge him to a horse carriage race. In 2012.

"I've never felt like this about anyone." Well, Lindz, accordingly to your mom, he's the second guy you've ever dated (you were very busy with the horse & the drill team up until recently). Call me crazy, but I think you might have more oats to sew. 

Parental Verdict: They like him. His "intentions", after all, are good. Irrelevant note: Dad has a bad toupee. Mom needs a haircut. Maybe they can work something out.

Date Two, Kacie B-For-Baton: 

Oh Jesus. The drill team is there. She's twirling. He's so embarrassed. If this show functioned like VH1's "Pop Up Video", his thought bubble would say: "There's no f'n way I'm marrying this idiot."

Sealing her fate, she tells Ben the following:

1) Her dad is a probation officer.

2) He doesn't drink.

BYEBYE.

Side note: Kacie B has somehow nailed that unfortunate combination of seeming really young, but looking much older. 

The bible belt fam sits down for dinner & listens to Kacie talk about what she's learned & how much she's grown. Ben says nothing. Then she talks to her younger sister who is not buyin' it. 

Also not on board? Dad. He tells Ben to cut K-B out now if she's not the one. He's afraid she'll get hurt. Oh Daddy, that ship has sailed.

Parental Verdict: Nope. Mom won't let them live together pre-marriage. Dad won't give him the go-ahead. Prediction? Kacie has seen her last rose.

Date Three, Nikki the Divorcee: 

"Last time I brought a guy home, I married him." 

WATCH OUT BEN.

We don't look ridiculous. Nope. This is working.

The dark horse (so to speak) shows the Simpleton around her small Texas hometown, ending it with a romantic 45th talk about her divorce. It's always easier to talk about divorce when you're surrounded by pink flowers.

Cut to mom's bed where Nikki tells her mom she's falling in love with Ben. SQUEAL. Mom thinks she looks great, so things must be going well.

Dad seems to have his finger on the pulse of reality, noting that he may have okay'd her first marriage (at 20) a little too quickly. Nikki assures him she's not going to let any stones go uncovered in her relationship with Ben. Apparently Courtney is hiding under under a boulder because she's clueless.

Parental Verdict: Dad gives a really sweet toast, virtually securing her victory in the battle of Nikki versus Kacie B for the 3rd rose (I'm thinking Lindz & Courts are shoo-ins). But I predict a short-lived victory. The girl formally known as "Unidentifiable Brunette" ain't gonna make it to the final proposal. Doesn't mean she won't continue to humiliate herself (she wins the WAYTOOEARLY admission of love award of SHAME). 

Oh dumb, dumb girl.

Date Four, Let's See Where the Devil Comes From:

Her mom's name is Cherry or Sherry (and her voice is higher than Courts). And they live on a "compound". And her sister is the Khloe to her Kim (everybody needs a sidekick).

Yep, it's all coming together.

Dad throws together a canned speech about taking a bet or a leap or something about marriage & having grandkids. Mom tells her something in a high-pitched whisper that is irrelevant. 

Parental Verdict: They like him. But there's something creepy about Ma & Pa Catalog Model. I can't quite put my finger on it, but there's a tell-all book in our future.

Side note: Apparently Courtney has been living in one huge episode of "As The World Young And The Restless Of Our Lives", because she has been "BETRAYED" a lot. 

She also has a penchant for canned gestures. Case in point: Taking Ben to the place she wants to get married. And asking him to write some vows. And then walk down a pretend aisle. In her white dress. Only to have him play right into her genius hands.

The cherry on top of tonight's one act play? Sluts Mcgee's vows. Anybody else watch Sex And The City? Did you recognize her heartfelt "vows"? Here's why:

Oh Courts. Know your audience. If we're watching this shit, there's a real good chance we've seen the above episode on E! no less than 12 times.

The Finale, I Cannot Wait For The Women Tell All: 

Ben relives the last 1.5 hours with Mr. Harrison while staring at head shots of each woman in enormous Pier One frames.

First up? Courts. She skips along and accepts her rose with an "I do". 

Second? Lindzi. Totally forgot about her as her date seems like it took place 6 weeks ago.

Third...DRUMROLL...

Ruh-Roh. The rose goes to Nikki. I sure hope Kacie B held onto that baton cause she's gonna have some free time. He's real sorry. She's real confused, shouting "What the F$%$k happened?" You dodged a bullet, that's what happened. Now shut up & go home.

The episodes are dwindling. And it's making me as sad as a ride in the LOS (Limo of Sadness).

Until next week, enjoy:

Things That Made My Week

Unconventional Valentine's Day Flowers:

This Video:

Selling 2 spots on my new piece of business:

Dinner With Two of My Favorites:

And MOST of All...Signing a lease for my new apartment where Jeremy & I will live in sin for at least 18 months!

3 Day Weekend!

NEXT

So it happened.

28 courses.

17 rounds of liquor.

Round 1. I think there was tequila in the freeze-dried lime.

5.5 hours.

This has nothing to do with the amount of time we were there, it's just cool.

The weirdest part? I think I've actually been more full. I'm not sure what that says about me, but that's not the point.

Dumpling-science-dough-rice-crab-more science-goodness.

The evening was likely the best culinary experience I'll ever have. Every bite, every sip, every presentation, left us in awe. There were foams that tasted like campfire, air (yes, air) that tasted like carrots, and black spongey miso things that didn't taste good or bad. They just, well, tasted.

Two tricks were particularly stand out. Olives with the juice somehow sucked out but somehow still olive-like:

And ice-foam-coconut-tomato-soup-crunch:

Would I choose a piece of pizza over some of the courses, yes, probably. But that's not what this night was about. It was about the wow. The how did they do that?! The how do I eat that?

And oh yeah, there was gold. That melted while you ate it. Yep.

I'm not a food critic. I clearly have no idea how to describe what I was eating. But it was incredible. And I am oh so grateful I got to go. Especially given that the bulk of the people in the room were significantly older than us (our table definitely set the curve for the young folks). This means we're either really lucky or really stupid for spending the $. Either way - No regrets!

p.s. There were 21 other things we ate. 21.

This Is Why I Got Into Advertising

Drink it in:

This is obviously not the reason I got into advertising (yesitis).

I actually have no idea why I got into this field, but that's neither her nor there. The above little gem just happens to be one of my earliest TV memories. Thanks, brain.

This jingle is permanently burned into the deepest fibers of my being. So much so, that I find myself humming almost every time I walk down the shampoo aisle at Target.

Why can I remember this, but not this? I dunno.

Again, thanks brain.

Bachelor Recap: I'll See Your Metaphor And Raise You A METAPHOR

Hello Rose Lovers. Welcome to Belize, where we will spend the next 2 hours asking...

Do you BELIZE in love?

Let's start today off with a brilliant quote from everyone's favorite baton-twirler, Kacie B:

"I am as in love with Ben as I can get."

Oh I bet you are, you idiot. Between you & the last remaining Unidentifiable Brunette's tearful "...this is all really real..." breakdown I'm this close to changing the channel.

KIDDING! THISISTHEHIGHLIGHTOFMYWEEK.

This is the episode where Ben confronts Catalog Model & we hear him say:

"One of my fears is ultimately being with a woman who I like, but no one else does." - Well Ben, your future called. Her name is Courtney.

Let's get started.

Date 1: HELICOPTERS ARE THE SAME AS RELATIONSHIPS
Lindzi is the lucky winner of metaphor date number one. Guess what they have to do? Jump out! Kind of like how you have to JUMP into relationships because it's a LEAP of faith.

"He's worth the fall." 

After the terribly meaningful dive into the ocean, the two lovebirds write a pretend story & put it in a bottle for someone (likely a PA who will have to dive into the ocean) to find.

Oh Lindzi. The only thing your story has in common with the one in the bottle is how horribly stupid it is.

Date 2: DO YOU BELIZE IN LOVE. 
Emily, the bland blond is the winner. Oh Em. You were interesting when you were telling Ben about Catalog Model's behind the scenes antics. I lost interest when you APOLOGIZED to her in a desperate move to earn Ben's favor. HAVE A LITTLE SELF RESPECT.

"I'm psyched (said in high-pitched tone) for today. I've got something planned that's right up my alley" PAUSE "I hope she likes it." - Ben feigning interest.

Uh-oh. They're going diving. I smell a FISH IN THE SEA METAPHOR COMING.

Cut back to the house where Courtney is trying to undo weeks of damage by crying in her confessional. She's really hurt by Ben taking Emily (her arch nemesis) on a one-on-one date. She just doest know, America, if she'll accept that rose if Ben gives her one. 

Oh Courts come on. You're not going to pass up a chance at additional weeks on TV. 

Date 3: WITH EACH STEP...

Phew, Catalog Courts wins the date so we will be treated to a full segment of her performing. 

Confessional side note: Kacie B is PISSED. We're seeing a whole new side of our favorite abstinence club pres. She will cut a bitch.

Cut to the top of big rock where Courtney & Ben are hangin'. Our favorite model is struggling. She's just not sure if she's ready to bring Ben home. OH MY GOD THIS GIRL IS A GENIUS.

Watching Ben's face as she tells him "she's lost the spark" is like watching a little kid being lured into a big white van at the promise of candy. 

Once our girl got Ben a grovelin', she proclaimed: "Each step Ben & I took is like a step in a relationship. Each step I took, I left behind the hurt & the drama." 

Ben says he's "certain" of Catalog Model. 

I'm certain he's thinking with the wrong head.

Date 4: IT'S ALL ABOUT DIVING IN HEADFIRST.

Ben is taking the 3 remaining ladies to "shark alley" where they will swim with Jaws and face their fears. JUST LIKE IN A RELATIONSHIP.

I could tell you how Man Voice conquered her fear of sharks (ofcourseshedid), and Kacie B whined about it, but you didn't have to watch the show to know that. 

In what is probably the biggest act of desperation this season, we're now forced to watch these girls beg Ben to come home and meet their parents. They're all ready for this step. And you know what? They're super great at reading Ben's "signs".

"For Ben to just smile & kiss me, says more than words can. It means he's feeling the same way."- Kacie B, grasping at straws.

The Finale: THE BEGINNING OF THE END.

After expressing their concerns to Ben about Courts, the "ladies" are all convinced she's going home. But we know better, don't we Rose-lovers?

Crazypants and her pina colada art project are even more koo-koo than usual at tonight's cocktail party. She is hella confident. And she's stirin' things up.

In what can only be called THE MOST DRAMATIC ROSE CEREMONY EVER, Ben pulls Catalog Courts aside to make sure she's there for the right reasons. She says yes. He believes her. He's super bright.

Here are our top 4:

I truly don't understand how Ben could be watching these episodes back and not feel like a total ass. No amount of ABC editing could fake this. Just ask Ellen.

The Whitney Houston Memorial: 2012 Grammy Awards

Let's get this out of the way.

Yes, Whitney died. Yes, it's tragic. Everyone on the Grammy red carpet is reflecting on the one time they saw her across the room & the impact that moment had on them. It's truly moving.

Here's a question: Where were all of these folks while she was cracked out of her mind for the last 15 years? I'm sure she didn't make it easy, but I mean come on. If people in Missouri aren't shocked by this (and according to Facebook, they are not), how are the idiots who partied with her the night before (and claim she was stumbling around appearing "out of it") blown away by her accidental drowning? Stop acting. Crack is, in fact, whack.

Onto the show...

Our host for tonight's memoriam is L.L. Cool J. I can think of no one better suited to set the tone, than the guy who brought us such hits as "Doin' It" and "Mama Said Knock You Out".

Before we hear what will inevitably be an awkward opening from LL, we are treated to Bruce & his E Streeters opening number "We Take Care of our Own", likely to be played on repeat during the 2012 Prez election. In superficial news, Bruce is holding up quite nicely. Though his Jersey roots are coming out via the fresh spray tan he's sportin'.

Here comes LL with his prayer for Whitney. I suppose it was nice. I was, of course, more interested in the crowd shots. Who's praying (the country section). Who's crying (Tony Bennett). Who's pretending to cry (Nicki Minaj). Why is Lady Gaga wearing Charlotte's Web on her face?

In closing (re: Whitney), this clip did give me the chills. What a waste.

No one can create smooth segue from death & dying to jive & jubilee quite like Bruno Mars. Oddly, I find his songs grating on the radio, but live, he's an entertaining little pocket pal.

Fashion Side Note 1: Nicki Minaj brought the Pope. Is this an homage to Whitney? Wait - Is Whitney hidden under that hood? Is this a reference to the other 'hood? Am I reading into this?

Before we get to see who wins the first televised award of the night, Alicia Keys & Bonnie Raitt (who has been the same age for the last 25 years) are here to honor the other major musician who's death has been overshadowed by Whitney, Miss Etta James. Lovely little jam.

Cut to Adele winning the first of many awards tonight. This one is for Best Pop Performance. Can't question that for one second.

Now I have to pretend not to enjoy Chris Brown's dancing ability as it feels like I'm endorsing girl beaters everywhere. At least the cameras had the decency not to cut to Rihanna in the audience.

Jay & Kanye win best rap duo, but both are unable to attend. Jay is hangin' with his baby Blue. Kanye is doing whatever Kanye does on a Sunday. Laundry.

Foo Fighters. Dave Grohl. He is delicious in his indie rocker indifference. Remember the episode of Friends when Ross made a list of his top 5 celebs (and had it laminated)? If I were to do that, Dave would absolutely make the cut. Yum.

Fashion Side Note 2: I'm gonna go ahead & interpret Katy Perry's all blue theme as her way of mourning the end of her relationship with Russell. Or, maybe she's a method voice over artist.  

The winner of the "Duet That Sounded Interesting On Paper But Did Not Translate" award goes to Coldplay and Rihanna. Individually their performances were fine-ish. But together? Nope. Now I get why Bon Iver turned down the opportunity to play.

Oh dear. The Beach Boys tribute is breaking my heart a bit. Maroon Five and Foster The People are not capturing the magic. And sweet jesus, the original Boys make Madonna's halftime performance look downright peppy. I question if they even know that they're singing.

Stevie Wonder is in the house for his annual harmonica-infused appearance. He's introducing Paul McCartney. I'm napping.

Chris Brown, the only name I recognized on the list of Best R&B Album nominees actually wins. This tells me 2 things. 1) America has a short, forgiving memory. 2) It was a slow year for R&B.

The Civils Wars (best artists to perform so far) play a little ditty pre-Taylor Swift (who appears to have taken a cue from Hee-Haw for this particular performance). I wish they were singing this:

Adele appears to have changed into a new black dress to accept her award for Song of the Year. Unfortunately she didn't lose the gum.


Katy Perry, tries to fake everyone out with a faux-technical issue. I wish it had been real.


Fashion Side Note 3: Continuing the primary colors trend, is Captain Subtle, Miss Fergalicious. Everyone needs to stop trying to recapture the JLO green Versace red carpet moment. It's not gonna happen. Especially if you're Fergie. And your spanx are showing.

Adele's performance was solid. It was no "Someone Like You" from last year, but lovely to have her back. Pretty clear that even the egomaniacs in the audience know they can't compete.

Random Observation: Julianne Hough = New Jennifer Aniston? Discuss.

The Band Perry: She's cute, but dude, those 2 oddballs behind her look like adult versions of the creepy twins from American Horror Story.

My boy Justin 'Bon Iver' Vernon uncomfortably takes home the award for Best New Artist (3 years after his first album). He did his Indie friends justice by thanking all of the musicians who will never be nominated. I dig him.

In Memoriam is particularly sad this year. Kudos to Jennifer Hudson for a respectable rendition of "I Will Always Love You". Now do us all a favor & stay off the crack.

You know how to make a seamless transition from untimely deaths? A rave circa 1991 starring Chris Brown (#whydoyouget2perfomances), David "I Might Also Be The AV Guy At Your Office" Guetta & 'Lil Wayne.

Nicki Minaj is apparently taking a page from R.Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet" performance of yesteryear. It's all very theatrical. And f'd up. It's making me miss Lady Gaga dripping in blood circa "Paparazzi".


Fashion Side Note 4: Rihanna. Damn girl.

Adele continues her sweep, with Rolling in the Deep winning best album. Not to be confused with best song. Or Record of the year. Which she also won.

This year's "life changing" finale? Lots of old guys singing a song we've never heard of. Nighty night.

Family Photo - 2011

You know how sometimes you see a family photo on someone's shelf/desk/blog that you just know they find hilarious and charming (because they put it there in the first place), but you just don't get it?

Here's mine (with a little explanation):

1) My mother, who is very street, is throwing up what I believe she thinks is a gang sign.
2) My father, who is apparently from Hawaii, is signaling all of us to hang ten (he may also think that this is a gang sign).
3) I'm wearing my brother's shoes, because wearing oversized shoes is a hoot.
4) My sister-in-law is at a Selena Gomez concert, rocking out to "Who Says".
5) My brother is surfing (evidently on the same trip as my father).

This picture makes me happy.