The Bachelorette: The "Men" Tell All

Rose Lovers, it's time for this season's contestants to have their say.

Come on down!

Will Kalon live up to his name?

I'm serious.

 Will Ryan announce his own local Bachelor show in Augusta?

 I'm killing this shirt.

Will that one dad who cried a lot keeping crying?

I'm a dad 'n stuff.

We'll have to wait a segment or six to for these compelling answers because first up, we've got our resident LoveDoctor sitting down in the Pier One suite with "...the most popular Bachelorette ever".

 What I like about this shot is that it's not creepy.

Here's what we learned: 

-Chris can't dance.
-Ryan looks ridiculous in an apron.
-Little Miss Sunshine has a potty mouth. Particularly when she spills wine on her pageant dress.

Segment 2: The Bachelor Pad is going to be "like nothing you've ever seen on TV". Except for last season. And the season before that.

This is gonna go great.

Segment 3-5: THE MEN TELL ALL

Before we get to the part where we talk about how much we hate Kalon and love Sean, let's watch a video package recapping all of the "drama".

OR, we can watch this priceless gem:

I miss you, Catalog Model.

Here's a recap of the group talk: No one likes Kalon, the guy with the Ostrich Egg seems normal for a guy with an egg, and there are at least 4 guys there I've never seen before.

The Hot Seat: 

Kalon is up first. SURPRISE! We're reliving the infamous "get the f$%K out" moment that was totally scripted, but thoroughly enjoyable. He's about as genuine as Emily's new boobs (more on that later). 

Ryan is up next. He's sexy & he knows it. The end. 

Chris, the overly sensitive 25-year-old, seems to have something to say about everyone. But he's not defensive, America. No sir-ee. He's healing his broken heart/loins on this season of The Bachelor Pad. He wants to find true love. Obvi.

Sean. Sweet, sweet Sean. He's a doll. A little naive, but a doll nonetheless. However, I'm fairly certain I discovered why the she didn't pick him:

#cursedplaid

Regardless, the ABC producers have got to be salivating over this all-American (albeit, vanilla), dreamboat.

Emily & her new breasts (and maybe new cheekbones?) have arrived on stage.

My hair is also not real.

Little Miss Sass practiced her NOYOUDI-INT lines off camera. The audience claps in Gloria-Steinam-like unison as she tells Kalon what he can do with his Prada shoes.

The last few minutes consist of an underwhelming blooper reel, a tease of Sunday's 3 hour finale, and a look back at all of the magical moments from this JOURNEY.

Until Sunday.