Are You There Funny Sitcoms? It's Me, Lauren.

Fail 1:

Fail 2:

Here's the deal. Neither one of the above sitcoms are significantly worse than the rest of the mediocre "entertainment" on network TV. What gets me about these 2 is the wasted potential. Amy Pohler and Tina Fey these two are not.

The Whitney/Chelsea "happy hour" block of comedy (as promoted by NBC) sounded promising. Chelsea Handler (the snarky version we get on her night time talk show), makes me laugh outloud. She's irreverent. She's smart. She doesn't take herself or the content she talks about seriously. But good God, the sitcom about her life is the exact crap she mocks in her nightly opening monologues. How does she not see the hypocrisy? Laura Prepon, the actress who plays Chelsea in her 20s, is so completely unlikeable I can't quite figure out why they cast her. And the supporting cast makes me cringe. The virginal roommate (who needs to eat a sandwich and blink) + the snarky side kick are unoriginal and unfunny. Throw in a laugh track and you've got me looking for episodes of "Too Close For Comfort" on TV Land.

As previously noted on this blog, "Whitney" makes my brain hurt just a little. There is literally - 100% NOTHING- original about this show. But, at least they are consistent as there is literally - 100% NOTHING- funny about this show. The supporting cast all play caricatures of people that I guess we're supposed to know/relate to, but they're unlike anyone that exists in the real world. And Whitney, oh Whitney, you could have been so clever (I really enjoy "Two Broke Girls"), but somehow you're just missin' the mark on this one.

My final words: GET RID OF THE LAUGH TRACKS. Unless Tim Allen is taking over your show anytime soon, there is no need.

Bachelor Wrap-up: Her Name is Shawntel

The ladies followed Ben to his other hometown, San Fran, for some super stupid dates filled with all kinds of awesome commentary.

Meaningful Opener: Ben meets up with his sister Julia who seems really hopeful that her brother will find love on this 6 week dating experiment. This leads to me to wonder the following: Is "Bachelor" casting like jury duty? You can only "serve: if you can prove you've never heard of the show?

"Book smart can be a little boring." - Courtney, the catalog model.

Date One: Emily & Ben Climb a Bridge - SPOILER ALERT: IT'S A METAPHOR!
Well, it turns out, Courtney was right. Smart people are boring. This date was a snooze, though there were some gem quotes.

"This is the craziest thing Emily & I have ever done." -Ben (please keep in mind this is their first date).

"A bridge takes two things that are separate and puts them together."-Emily, who coincidentally, has her PHD.

Em gets a rose despite the fact that she revealed that she basically dated her brother via Match.com.

Date 2: Leap List- SPOILER ALERT: IT'S A METAPHOR!
Apparently a "leap list" is a list of things you want to do before you do something major in your life like, oh, I don't know, GET MARRIED. This show keeps 'em comin'.

This might be the most demeaning stunt this show has pulled thus far. Watching the girls "ski" down a street in a bikini was horrifying. The fact that these idiots did it, proves that there is nothing dumb girls in blind search of fame or love won't do.

Date 3: Britney Is Conflicted. She Too Missed All Previous Seasons of this Show.
Apparently living with 25 girls "isn't for her".

"I have to leave forever". - Britney.
"This, by far, was the hardest decision I've ever had to make." - Britney

Grandma is going to be sad.

Date 3.5: Britney's Replacement.
Ben takes his back up Linsey on a tour of San Fran.

Astute question #1: "Where are we now?"- Lindsey (said while driving under sign that says "Chinatown").
Observation #1: Oh jesus they're bad dancers.
Amazing Text #1: "Babe welcome to Dumpsville, Population You."-Lindsey's ex.
Astute question #2: "Lindsey is a whole woman." - Ben
Pukefest #1: HE'S PLAYING DAVID GREY AGAIN.

Rose Ceremony: Shawntel
"You're like, dreamy." - Jennifer to Ben, virtually securing herself a spot in Sadsville.

In a twist that shocked exactly no one, Shawntel is here to date Ben. My theory is as follows: These 2 Bachelor alums met at a Bachelor-sponsored event and totally hooked up. She felt a spark. He felt, well, something for the night. ABC caught wind of this fling & jumped on it like white on rice.

I love that the girl's hatred for Shawntel is best expressed by screaming "YOU DON'T KNOW HIM." Because they do, America, THEY DO.

"She's got thicker thighs than I do, which always makes me feel better." - Unidentifiable Brunette.

Courtney "The Grenade" Catalog Model had some gem moments/quotes throughout the evening:

-She tries to stir things up on the couch by saying or doing something I just couldn't follow (or care about), but it was just enough to do the damage ABC ordered.

-"Courtney has a social disorder." - Emily 

-"I think we'd make cute babies." - Courtney to Ben who is so whipped by her model status that doesn't even freak him out.

"This is whack, I'm sorry." - Courtney on Shawntel's arrival. 

"I saw you talking to whatsherbutt".- Classy rose acceptance speech.

Alas, Shawntel's antics were all for not as she (and the other 2 rejects) got the boot and Ben stayed in the original "ladies" good graces.

Until next week, I'll leave you with this gem:

America!

Golden Globes: Extremely Boring and Incredibly Long

Oh I love 'em, I love 'em, I love 'em. As per use, I'm settled in for 5 hours of vanity, ass-kissing, faux-loving, and if we're lucky - Gervais-skewering-fun.

We'll focus on fashion first & snarky award show feedback second.

Pre-show Predictions: Pitt will upset, yellow will be the color of the night, & Ricky will deliver.

Seabreeze, LollipopHead: LET'S DO THIS.

Ricky is first up on the carpet, starting off the night on a rough note with an eggplant "That Thing You Do!" number. Those wacky brits.

George, you're lookin' old. And the older you look, the younger the ladies next you to appear. You're one Laker Girl away from Polanski territory. Stacy seems pleasant. Maybe just stick with her.

Octavia Spencer: First thought "gorgeous". Second thought "plastic barbie head".

Claire Danes loves to rock the "ihavenoboobsandiloveit"-look. I think there's a way to do it. This is not it.

Piper Pearbo...Sweet girl. You're trying so very hard to have a moment. Have fun on the USA network.

Missi Pyle...I don't know who you are and I don't care. But you're wearing yellow & I want to be right about my predictions.

Jessica Chastain: I thought you were 25.

Mirelle Enos wins for best transformation. And she's in yellow. BOOM.

Oh, Morena Baccarin. You're going for Elizabeth Hurley, circa 1996 (remember the dress that made her famous? No? Well, just go with it). If there are aliens out there, I think you are their leader.

Diane Lane. Damn.

Sofia Vergara is tough to beat on any carpet. But between Kmart, Pepsi, and Cover Girl, I'm over it.

Shailene Woodley would not bug me if she did not talk.

Sarah Michelle Gellar told LollipopHead that she let her 2 year old pick out her dress. I think she means she let her make it.

Paula Patton is rockin' my color of choice. Rockin' it well, Mrs. Thicke.

Melissa McCarthy. Oh dear.

Elle Macpherson is running to her quickie wedding with Slash right after the show.

Viola Davis: Should be on the Best Dressed list. I look forward to your acceptance speech later this evening. HEARTS.

Zooey Deschanel you are so hip it hurts. PUT A BIRD ON IT.

My boyfriend is from Springfield, MO too. This makes Ang & I twinsies.

Rooney Mara, we get it. You're dark. You're edgy. You pierce things. Kristen Stewart called. She wants her schtick back.

Paraphrased quote from Charlize Theron on "Chelsey Lately" earlier this year: "It's weird seeing myself in this role where I look like myself. I'm used to making myself look ugly." 

Jessica Alba & her bangin' twobabybody make pregnant women everywhere want to drown in a bowl of carbs.

Jessica Biel's ghost showed up to present.

Reese & I are going to be best friends. Just as soon as we meet.

Onto the show...

Opening monologue wrap up: Ricky hasn't seen Jodie Foster's "Beaver". 

Johnny Depp seems to have acquired Madonna's fauxaccent. I still love him. Side note: Have you seen the trailer for the new "21 Jump Street"? Travesty. 

Best Supporting Actor in a motion picture: Christopher Plumber, "Beginners". He's old & sweet, so, duh.

Best Actress in a TV Show Comedy: Laura Dern wearing Angie's dress from last year. I wanted Zooey or Amy.

Irrelevant side note: She still bugs:

British people are accepting an award for best miniseries ("Downtown Abbey"), which I've heard is like Days of our Lives, but in period costumes.

Kate Winslet won for "Mildred Pierce" again. I feel like I saw that movie 4 years ago.

Irrelevant side note 2: I love that Michelle Williams and Busy Phillips (who met on "Dawson's Creek") are BFFs.

I think Melissa McCarthy is legitimately afraid of Ricky Gervais. She's way not herself tonight. And I know this because we are great, great friends.

Kelsey Grammar just won for the Chicago-born series, "The Boss". Side note: They film it across the street from my apartment. His new flight attendant wife gets her nails done at the same place I do. Apparently she's a fruit loop. 

"Homeland" is the first thing to win that I am psyched about. One of the best shows on TV in forever. I TOLD YOU TO WATCH IT.

This show is in desperate need of a Tiny Fey/Amy Pohler bit.

Madonna just won for writing a song none of us will ever hear in a movie none of us will ever see.

Michelle Williams wins for "My Week With Marilyn". She seems so very fragile. I miss Heath Ledger.

One of my faves, Peter Dinklage, wins for Best Supporting Actor in a TV show ("Game of Thrones"). Couldn't be happier with this choice. He told us to google "Martin Henderson", so I did. This is horrifying.

Oh Madonna, how I love you & your perfectly insane driving gloves. I think you are the only person in that room that scares Ricky G just a little.

Homeland is sweeping. The Hollywood Foreign Press loves Claire "Temple Grandin" Danes. She is incredibly unlikeable on the show, which I think is the point. 

COMMERCIAL INTERLUDE: Not sure if you heard, but "Smash" debuts after the Super Bowl. And also, whatever Lola wants, Lola gets.

Joey Tribiani just won an award! Remember when he cheated on his first wife and hooked up with his co-star on the craptastic "Joey"? Turns out they're still together. Yay for cheaters!

Octavia's purple dress is growing on me. She seems fun. And not just because she made a poop pie in "The Help".

I can't decide if Sidney Poitier is walking slow because he's old or because he's waiting for everyone to stand. No biggie either way, he's awesometown. If you haven't seen "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner", you're dumb. 

"Modern Family" wins for best comedy. I'm good with this, though would have been super good with "The New Girl" upsetting.

Best Actor, Comedy/Musical apparently goes to the French guy from "The Artist"'s eyebrow.

Helen Mirren is gorge. Her bit is not so good, but I believe she does love Morgan. Who doesn't? 

Angelina "Star Trek" Jolie just presented Scorsese with the Best Director Award for "Hugo". I can't decide who seems the least fun.

Meryl Streep for the Best Actress/Best speech win! She's talking and talking about who knows what and it's terrific.

"The Artist" is the best musical/comedy of the year. Hmm. I guess I have to see it.

George beat Brad for best actor. I have to say, I liked Brad ("Moneyball") better. Neither role was ground breaking, so I suppose in a year of mediocrity, it doesn't matter much.

"The Descendants" for best movie of the year. Ehh. It was okay, but if that's the best of the best, 2011 was as blah as this awards show.

See you at Oscars.

p.s. I was 1 for 3 on my predictions. I'll try to do better next time.

2011 Pop Music In Less Than 4

Every year some DJ genius (read 16 year old with a casio & fancy computer) releases a mashup of the year's best pop music.

I'll be honest, this year's mix is filled with songs I haven't heard of and/or make my ears bleed actual worms.

But in the spirit of sharing, here you go. Enjoy!

This Is America

...And it's frightening.

Watch this video if you fall into any of the following categories:

1) You are a parent.
2) You are thinking about being a parent.
3) You were once a child.

You will laugh. You will get uncomfortable. You will want to call child services. But most importantly, you will be so glad that that you are not them.

I'm no shrink, but any chance this mom is living out her long-since-passed dreams via her daughter & the "special juice"? Jesus.

Mid-Season Replacements Are Here!

This post's title is beyond lame for 2 reasons.

1) Read it.

2) Who gets excited about "mid-season replacements"?

THIS GIRL.

Beginning in January, some of my old favorites + a few newbies with potential will be filling my DVR with promise (and likely disappointment). Here's are the newbies I'm looking forward to:

"Awake":

"Alcatraz":

"Smash":

"The River":

(Dis)Honorable mentions go to "Are You There, Chelsea?" and "Apartment 23", both of which I want to be good, but I know will not be.

Oldies:

"Justified"

"Game of Thrones"

Oh TV, we keep coming back. You keep letting us down. Throw us a bone. Let one of these be worth watching beyond episode 1...

Bachelor Recap: Slutty Gingerbread

Oh it's on.

Part 1: Date with Kacie.
Chemistry Factor: A bad first date with two very nice people.
Most Awkward Moment: A toss up between baton twirling & their first kiss. It was like watching cousins. Ick.
Likeliness For Final 3: Akin to Gingrich's chances at the Republican nomination (see what I did there? I made it smart).
Final Words: Don't worry honey, I'm pretty confident you dodged a bullet.

Part 2: Group Date, aka, "Grown Up Time"
Chemistry Factor: All sorts of cringe-worthy awkward moments. Largely thanks to the community theater "play" & accompanying costumes.
Favorite Quote: "Being a Scorpio, we're super passionate and we're great lovers." -Jugs McGee
Favorite Quote 2: "Blakely is super fakely." -Jacyln
Sad Girl: Jennifer. She seemed genuinely stunned that he was making out with Blakely minutes after kissing her. Then she cried. Sweetheart, this is season 12. Catch on.
Saddest Girl: Blakely. Hearing her chant "he chose me! he chose me!" reminded me of Tiger Woods' Perkin's waitresses selling their stories to US Weekly. Here she is in a Maxim spread. She seems like a super girl.

Part 3: Date with Courtney
Side note: Man she's one crazy bitch.
Side note 2: It's too bad soap operas are a thing of the past, because she would NAIL a role as Stefano Dimera's  evil step daughter.
Chemistry Factor: She's got him wrapped. I think he's too dopey to see through it. She'll win.
Advice: Ben: TRUST YOUR GUT. She is too good to be true. Plus, she used to date this guy:

Part 4: The Crying Game
Most Telling Moment: Ben's face after realizing that Blakely was waiting for him at the bottom of the stairs (after already interrupting other "ladies" private time). If he's not starting to see the "RED FLAG"***, he's dumber than he looks (and that's pretty dumb).
Favorite quote: "She's a stage five clinger." - Unknown brunette
Dialog on the Couch With Jenna JessicaParker: Oh good God. I think she seriously needs some help. Like from a professional.
Crying Count: Jenna, check. Blakely, check. Jennifer, check.

Net-net: Ladies, CHECK yourself. You've known this guy for a week. He's not cute. He's sweet, but he's an oaf. Get off the floor. Get off the toilet. Get off the bed. If this is the most important thing you do in your life, you've got way bigger issues than getting a rose.

Signed,
See you next week.

***This sketch may as well be called "The Blakely Story":
http://www.hulu.com/watch/282330/saturday-night-live-red-flag