Bachelor Recap: Slutty Gingerbread

Oh it's on.

Part 1: Date with Kacie.
Chemistry Factor: A bad first date with two very nice people.
Most Awkward Moment: A toss up between baton twirling & their first kiss. It was like watching cousins. Ick.
Likeliness For Final 3: Akin to Gingrich's chances at the Republican nomination (see what I did there? I made it smart).
Final Words: Don't worry honey, I'm pretty confident you dodged a bullet.

Part 2: Group Date, aka, "Grown Up Time"
Chemistry Factor: All sorts of cringe-worthy awkward moments. Largely thanks to the community theater "play" & accompanying costumes.
Favorite Quote: "Being a Scorpio, we're super passionate and we're great lovers." -Jugs McGee
Favorite Quote 2: "Blakely is super fakely." -Jacyln
Sad Girl: Jennifer. She seemed genuinely stunned that he was making out with Blakely minutes after kissing her. Then she cried. Sweetheart, this is season 12. Catch on.
Saddest Girl: Blakely. Hearing her chant "he chose me! he chose me!" reminded me of Tiger Woods' Perkin's waitresses selling their stories to US Weekly. Here she is in a Maxim spread. She seems like a super girl.

Part 3: Date with Courtney
Side note: Man she's one crazy bitch.
Side note 2: It's too bad soap operas are a thing of the past, because she would NAIL a role as Stefano Dimera's  evil step daughter.
Chemistry Factor: She's got him wrapped. I think he's too dopey to see through it. She'll win.
Advice: Ben: TRUST YOUR GUT. She is too good to be true. Plus, she used to date this guy:

Part 4: The Crying Game
Most Telling Moment: Ben's face after realizing that Blakely was waiting for him at the bottom of the stairs (after already interrupting other "ladies" private time). If he's not starting to see the "RED FLAG"***, he's dumber than he looks (and that's pretty dumb).
Favorite quote: "She's a stage five clinger." - Unknown brunette
Dialog on the Couch With Jenna JessicaParker: Oh good God. I think she seriously needs some help. Like from a professional.
Crying Count: Jenna, check. Blakely, check. Jennifer, check.

Net-net: Ladies, CHECK yourself. You've known this guy for a week. He's not cute. He's sweet, but he's an oaf. Get off the floor. Get off the toilet. Get off the bed. If this is the most important thing you do in your life, you've got way bigger issues than getting a rose.

Signed,
See you next week.

***This sketch may as well be called "The Blakely Story":
http://www.hulu.com/watch/282330/saturday-night-live-red-flag

Weekend Roundup: Old Faves

The crazy warm temps made me feel a little guilty for spending so much time indoors (but I got over it).

Spent Friday over-ordering at Toro...

Deceptively filling.

Went the exact opposite route on Saturday, (veal sausage!) at Bangers & Lace...

Jeremy taking advantage of his beer of the month club membership.

And Sunday, I spent some time with my old friends Nordstrom & Sephora...

New face. New jeans. 

First full week of work...friend on production...Snow on Friday...2012!

Crappy Movies Coming Soon!

Dear Hollywood,

It's January. You know what that means? Time to release the movies that make us all embarrassed proud to be Americans! These are the most special cinematic treats that you geniuses think are critical for mass audiences to spend $10 on. Do you do this because you know we're suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder? That's just mean.

2011's not awesomeness.

If you were nice, you would do us a solid & release the good stuff. The kind of movies that someone like me (a person with eyes) would actually look forward to seeing (you remember how to do those, don't you?)

Instead, you somehow convince yourself that this is what we want:

Katerine Heigl:

Look! I'm sassy! I'm going to fake this Long Island accent for 2 hours while doing nothing interesting, surprising, or mildly entertaining. #peakedasizzie

Nicholas Cage:

I have to make shitty movies so that I can not pay my taxes and buy leather jackets. #conair

The Notebook 2:

Rachel hasn't had a hit in awhile. Pretty sure this will keep that trend alive. #notthenotebook

Queen Latifah:

No. #nunsense

These 4 gems are just the tip of the cinemapoop mountain. We've got Liam Neeson chasing someone (again) in "The Grey", Mark Wahlberg as a thief with a heart of gold in "The Italian Job" "Contraband", and - wait for it - Drew Barrymore starring alongside a whale/shark/dolphin-creature in yet ANOTHER inspiring tale of sea life beating the odds & actually LIVING IN THE OCEAN ("Big Miracle").

I have to believe that there are talented writers with stories to tell that don't revolve around church choirs, amnesia, and love stories as told by 12 year old girls with diaries & lipsmackers.

Until then, I'm prepped to grab my bag of pick 'n mix & settle in for some mediocre -> hugely terrible storytelling.

Thanks for nothing.

Read This Book

"Princess: A True Story Of Life Behind The Veil In Saudi Arabia"

Hear me out.

I'm typically not a big fan of books with titles akin to Lifetime movies (I watch 'em, I don't need to read 'em). Nor do I like reading about what's happening in the Middle East because I'm embarrassed by how little I know and what little I'm doing about it.

But when my sister-in-law told me she read this in about 2 days, I was intrigued. Her recommendation happened to coincide with the arrival of my new Kindle, so I decided to make it my first download (it was only $5.99!)

Turns out it was the best six bucks I've spent in awhile. I, too, read it in less than 2 days (granted I was on vacation, so there was time for such luxuries). The true story of a woman & her family was infuriating, horrifying, and inspiring. Man or woman, it will make you so very grateful for what you have, who you''re "allowed" to be, and what freedom really means. Knowing that this story is not only true, but current, will put things into perspective. Sure, I really want an iPad. She wants to leave the house in shorts.

My life > Her life.

Late To The Party

Over my extended holiday, I was able to watched a few recent-ish films I meant to rent/download/watch, but somehow never got around to seeing.

A few of them are worth noting.

Lars And The Real Girl:

An oddly sweet film that revolves around Ryan Gosling's emotionally repressed Lars & his "relationship" with a blow up doll. I originally didn't see it for the same reason you didn't. The words "blow up doll" don't typically draw me in, but I have to admit, there's something about his innocence and wounded soul, that make you forget he's playing chess with a piece of plastic.

Ondine

This is a strange one. Colin plays a fisherman who accidentally catches a woman (or is she a mermaid) in his fishing nets. Throw in a precocious daughter in need of a kidney and a few shots of the Irish countryside, and you've got yourself a weird little fairytale.

The Good Life:

I liked this movie until the last 3 minutes. You'll know why when you see it (which I recommend that you do). The lead, plaed by Mark Weber, is endearing. You feel for him, though almost no one else in the film does. I don't want to hint at why I didn't like the end as it will give it away, but let's just say that sometimes filmmakers try too hard to tell us what's important. We get it, we just don't need you to spell it out.

Midnight In Paris:

I'm not a Woody Allen fan. This makes me uncool in the film world, but lucky for me, I'm not a part of that world. Anyhoo, this film is a charmer. Owen Wilson is his typicaly affable self. Rachel McAdams plays her character from Mean Girls, all grown up. The plot revolves around his hallucinations? dreams? fantasies? where he drinks, dines & dates historically significant people from our past (T.S. Elliot, Picasso, Gertrude Stein). They inspire him to finish both the story of his life & his novel differently. Well done, Woody. I'm still pissed about "Match Point".

THE BACHELOR IS BACK

I'm not sure if you've seen the promo or if you caught Monday's premiere, either way, there's no chance the following could ever get old:

Well played ABC.

It is my commitment to you, dear readers, to provide you with a recap of the show every Tuesday. Why? Because I love you. And also, it gives me an excuse to feel 0.0 guilt for watching the deliciousness unfold each week.

Here are some of my early favorites based on last night's show (a few didn't make it, but I'll post about them here to extend there 5 minutes):

Amber T (aka Sob Story):

Pro: She seems normal-ish. Can't hate a nurse who raised her siblings. Con: Bad fashion.

Blakeley (aka Stupid Name):

Pro: She's a VIP Cocktail Waitress (sure she is) with a tattoo that says "love is patient, love is kind". Con: None that I can see as her name is Blakeley.

Courtney (aka Catalog Model):

Pro: She looks like the kind of girl who would cut a bitch. Con: She thinks she's starring in her own reality show (which may, in fact, be a pro).

Holly (aka The Muppet):

Pro: Umm. Con: Sometimes the ones that look crazy are actually a snooze.

Jenna (aka Jenna Jessica Parker): 

Pro: See the promo video. JJP likes her Chardonnay. Con: I predict an early exist.

Monica (aka Equal Opportunity):

Pro: She hates Jenna Jessica Parker and she hits on women. Con: Pretty sure she's not interested in Ben. He should catch on when he sees her spooning Blakeley (aka Stupid Name).

Lyndsie J (aka The Brit):

Pro: She's not the cutest, but her accent is endearing. Con: He will likely put her in the "friend zone".

Lindzi C (aka ZZZ):

 

Pro: America will love her. Con: I predict she'll have her own Bachelorette season (in other words she won't win).

I look forward to mocking the dialog, the back-stabbing, and the awkward making out in waterless hot tubs. Cheers to these ladies for making women 23-35 look awesome. 

You're welcome Gloria Steinem!

Quotes of the night:

JJP: "Why does she hate me out of no where?"
Blond Man Voice: "Cause that's what girls do".

Equal Opportunity: "If she comes at me latahhhh, I'm gonna cut her face off."

Holiday Roundup

It's been a wonderfully long week of Holiday relaxation.

As previously noted, I was lucky to be able to travel south, spending a week in South Carolina, my parents new home. Though much was the same as year's past, instead of bundling up for a trip Skyline, we shed the layers for a walk on the beach...

Skipped the gym in favor of biking in the hood...

Christmas Eve dinner in instead of out...

We pretended Jeremy was there.

Some things were not so different...

Tequila shots on xmas eve.

 

Monkey Bread on Christmas morning. (Don't judge on appearance).

 

The nation is catching on!

Since I've been back in Chicago, I've managed to watch no less than 7 movies (more on that later), read two books (ditto), and caught up on "Breaking Bad" & "The Walking Dead (ditto squared).

Looking forward to whatever 2012 has in store!