Take me to my prince.
Let's recap our remaining 3 by highlighting the 3 most important facts about each of our gentlemen.
Sean:
1) Seems sweet (average intelligence).
2) Wears v-necks with pink shorts.
3) According to Emily, "...he only wants to get married once." Apparently this is a selling point.
Pick me.
Jef:
1) He spells his name like a douche bag.
2) He's a solid 5 inches shorter than his competitors.
3) He might be a better candidate for Little Ricki's manny.
He's an entrepreneur. Mmhmm.
Arie:
1) There's something slimy about him. I keep wanting to call him Slick Rick.
2) His Dutch parents are bizarre.
3) He dated the producer who is not attractive 6 years ago.
Werk it, Rick.
Here's how we wrap the intro package: Emily walks on beach. Emily ponders how strong her connections are with each guy. Emily draws her name in sand (as I'm often want to do) with a big heart. Before she can tell us who she "hearts", the waves wash it away. A little on the nose, even for you ABC producers.
First Date: Sean & his v-necks.
Net-net: Emily is dying to know if Sean loves her. Because, you know, after 5 weeks if he doesn't love her, something must be wrong.
According to his voiceover, he's loved our girl since that one time they went to Prague. But he can't articulate it. If only she could hear the voiceover package we're blessed with.
Cut to evening on the beach next to the fire some poor PA was forced to light. Sean reads a letter he wrote to Ricki, all but guaranteeing himself a night int he fantasy suite.
The lovebirds make a beeline for the jacuzzi where the will-they-or-won't-they begins.
As expected, she boots him after an undisclosed amount of hooking up. She's a mom, y'all. She's just not that kind of girl.
We see you.
Second Date: Jef & his Flock Of Seagulls
1) He's from Utah.
2) His parents were in China on a mission trip (they called it "charity", same dif).
3) He had like 18 sisters in last week's hometown date.
If I know my girl Emily (and I think it's safe to say I do), homegirl isn't down with Utah & mission trips.
Anyhoo, on our lover's big date, one thing is clear: they "get each other ". I suppose if you say it enough times, it eventually comes true. Also worth noting, when Emily is making Little Ricki's lunch, she thinks of Jef. TOLD YAH AMERICA, he's a lock on that manny gig.
These 2 lovebirds make the trek to the fantasy suite (ofcoursetheydo). But it's PG. The "bridled passion" is all locked up for now. WATCH OUT AMERICA.When it's unleashed, that seagull hair is gonna go wild.
Date 3: Arie & his lips
She loves kissing Arie. The end.
It's interesting (overstatement, but go with me) because these 2 seemed to have the most in common a few episodes ago and now...just the kissing.
Shhhh. Stop talking. Let's just do this.
I'm getting a very vanilla vibe at dinner tonight.
Side note: Her dinner, some sort of avocado explosion, looks delicious. A shame it's going to waste while she listens to Arie rattle on about how to be a dad.
Time for the fantasy suite...What to do, what to do. In a surprising twist, she decides she doesn't trust herself in the fantasy suite with Slick Rick, so she doesn't even offer up the card. Instead they make out on the dock & then she cries away her sexual frustration in a one-on-one interview.
The Rose Ceremony: This is hard, y'all.
Love is confusing 'n stuff.
Who better to help Emily sort this out than Chris "I'm a Bachelor Too" Harrison. After using the words "choice", "heart", and "journey" more times than any one person should in a conversation/lifetime, Chris shares the video messages each guy left for her. I'll sum each one up with 1 word.
Sean: Generic.
Jef: Winning.
Arie: LookAtMyLips.
First rose? Jef.
Second rose? Arie.
This one surprised me. Sean's honest confessional in the Limo of Sadness was actually sad-ish. But, don't you worry, Sean. The ladies will line up for you & on the next season of The Bachelor.
Next week the guys tell all while Emily wears pageant dresses.
please never leave us again!
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