Bachelorette Recap: Tragedy Strikes

I'll just come right out and say it.

I missed the first hour.

There is a chance the DVR rejected the programming based on the content. Wise, wise machine.

I tuned in just in time to see Kermit zipping up one of Emily's Merry Go Round prom dresses. BLAST! If I missed these idiots singing "Rainbow Connection" in unison...Someone. Will. Pay.

This isn't creepy. Not at all.

Cut to her date with Joe at the Greenbriar. Couple thoughts:

1) I went to the Greenbriar 20 years ago. I do not remember it being that pink.

2) Is she, or is she not borrowing all of her gowns from the Toddlers & Tiaras set?

3) Sure he seems a little cheesy, but really? He goes home? I want to believe you when you say you take this "journey" seriously, but, um, I don't. Fool me once ABC, shame on you. Fool me 17 times?  Shame on me. 

See yah.

Time for the Rose Ceremony...

Up first, we've got Ryan. He must be a fan of Game of Thrones. That's the only explanation I can come up with for the dramatic SEVEN PAGE letter delivered via scroll. Thankfully the editors cut to commercial midway through page one. Unfortunately for Tony, his ill-timed attempt for alone time forced him to endure every last word.

Winning.

Kalon is crying on a porch swing. Apparently the other boys were mean to him on the playground during recess so he is pouting. He keeps using very big words to describe simple emotions. I think I get why the other guys wanted to kick him out of the playhouse.

What? My lips are just like that.

Ari...Nothing to make fun of you for. Keep up the good work.

I like race car drivers. I can't help it.

John...I'm fairly confident no one - and I mean no one - calls you "Wolf". Like ever. I'm guessing your buddies back home get a kick out of that stunt every time the super comes up on screen.

I haven't done anything yet, but my nickname is slayin' it.

Jef. She digs you. There's no way she'll end up with you, so enjoy it while it lasts. Also, can't wait for you  to get back in the studio with Gwen & the rest of No Doubt. Miss you guys.

I want you cause I can't tell if you want me.

Until next week.