Hello Lovers of the Rose. It's time for another 2 hours of mind-numbing "dialog".
As per usual, let's start with a quote:
"Meeting someone's family...you really get a better grasp of who they are."
Well, Lindzi, I guess you & your "boyfriend" have to start somewhere since you've known each other for 5 minutes.
Date one, Lindzi & her horse.
"Growing up riding, it's instilled in you that if you fall off the horse, you get right back up. Just like love."
Yep.
The two pretenders spend the afternoon with her horse (I think she brings that thing with her everywhere), discussing Lindzi's past loves. Ben is thrilled to see her walls coming down. The rest of America is fairly confident she said the same thing last week. Is he on the same show we're watching? I'm confused.
"Vulnerable is a big word for me." In more ways than one, Lindzi.
Side note 1: Lindzi went a little nuts with the spray tan. Holy Bain-de-Solei.
Side note 2: Lindzi pronounces "important", "im-pore-tant".
Her parents seem oddly normal (Chardonnay for everyone! We like San Francisco too!), up until they challenge him to a horse carriage race. In 2012.
"I've never felt like this about anyone." Well, Lindz, accordingly to your mom, he's the second guy you've ever dated (you were very busy with the horse & the drill team up until recently). Call me crazy, but I think you might have more oats to sew.
Parental Verdict: They like him. His "intentions", after all, are good. Irrelevant note: Dad has a bad toupee. Mom needs a haircut. Maybe they can work something out.
Date Two, Kacie B-For-Baton:
Oh Jesus. The drill team is there. She's twirling. He's so embarrassed. If this show functioned like VH1's "Pop Up Video", his thought bubble would say: "There's no f'n way I'm marrying this idiot."
Sealing her fate, she tells Ben the following:
1) Her dad is a probation officer.
2) He doesn't drink.
BYEBYE.
Side note: Kacie B has somehow nailed that unfortunate combination of seeming really young, but looking much older.
The bible belt fam sits down for dinner & listens to Kacie talk about what she's learned & how much she's grown. Ben says nothing. Then she talks to her younger sister who is not buyin' it.
Also not on board? Dad. He tells Ben to cut K-B out now if she's not the one. He's afraid she'll get hurt. Oh Daddy, that ship has sailed.
Parental Verdict: Nope. Mom won't let them live together pre-marriage. Dad won't give him the go-ahead. Prediction? Kacie has seen her last rose.
Date Three, Nikki the Divorcee:
"Last time I brought a guy home, I married him."
WATCH OUT BEN.
We don't look ridiculous. Nope. This is working.
The dark horse (so to speak) shows the Simpleton around her small Texas hometown, ending it with a romantic 45th talk about her divorce. It's always easier to talk about divorce when you're surrounded by pink flowers.
Cut to mom's bed where Nikki tells her mom she's falling in love with Ben. SQUEAL. Mom thinks she looks great, so things must be going well.
Dad seems to have his finger on the pulse of reality, noting that he may have okay'd her first marriage (at 20) a little too quickly. Nikki assures him she's not going to let any stones go uncovered in her relationship with Ben. Apparently Courtney is hiding under under a boulder because she's clueless.
Parental Verdict: Dad gives a really sweet toast, virtually securing her victory in the battle of Nikki versus Kacie B for the 3rd rose (I'm thinking Lindz & Courts are shoo-ins). But I predict a short-lived victory. The girl formally known as "Unidentifiable Brunette" ain't gonna make it to the final proposal. Doesn't mean she won't continue to humiliate herself (she wins the WAYTOOEARLY admission of love award of SHAME).
Oh dumb, dumb girl.
Date Four, Let's See Where the Devil Comes From:
Her mom's name is Cherry or Sherry (and her voice is higher than Courts). And they live on a "compound". And her sister is the Khloe to her Kim (everybody needs a sidekick).
Yep, it's all coming together.
Dad throws together a canned speech about taking a bet or a leap or something about marriage & having grandkids. Mom tells her something in a high-pitched whisper that is irrelevant.
Parental Verdict: They like him. But there's something creepy about Ma & Pa Catalog Model. I can't quite put my finger on it, but there's a tell-all book in our future.
Side note: Apparently Courtney has been living in one huge episode of "As The World Young And The Restless Of Our Lives", because she has been "BETRAYED" a lot.
She also has a penchant for canned gestures. Case in point: Taking Ben to the place she wants to get married. And asking him to write some vows. And then walk down a pretend aisle. In her white dress. Only to have him play right into her genius hands.
The cherry on top of tonight's one act play? Sluts Mcgee's vows. Anybody else watch Sex And The City? Did you recognize her heartfelt "vows"? Here's why:
Oh Courts. Know your audience. If we're watching this shit, there's a real good chance we've seen the above episode on E! no less than 12 times.
The Finale, I Cannot Wait For The Women Tell All:
Ben relives the last 1.5 hours with Mr. Harrison while staring at head shots of each woman in enormous Pier One frames.
First up? Courts. She skips along and accepts her rose with an "I do".
Second? Lindzi. Totally forgot about her as her date seems like it took place 6 weeks ago.
Third...DRUMROLL...
Ruh-Roh. The rose goes to Nikki. I sure hope Kacie B held onto that baton cause she's gonna have some free time. He's real sorry. She's real confused, shouting "What the F$%$k happened?" You dodged a bullet, that's what happened. Now shut up & go home.
The episodes are dwindling. And it's making me as sad as a ride in the LOS (Limo of Sadness).
Until next week, enjoy:
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