Bachelorette Recap: This Time, It's Personal

That's right ladies & gents, the Bachelorette is back. And guess what? We're related.

FOR REALS.

Here's the connection. My dad has a brother. He has a wife. She has a brother. He has kids. One is Emily.

6 degrees of Emily Maynard.

Full disclosure: I don't know her personally, I only know what I hear from my cousins. Might I find out who she picked before Reality Steve & the other spoiler blogs out there? Totes. Will I be sharing that here? Nope. Spoiler free zone. What I do know is the following:

1) She dumped Brad.
2) She likes being famous.

Because she's not blood, I can be honest: I think she's stiff as a board. This has the potential to be the looooongest, most awkward season of The Bachelorette ever. Which means it will be AWESOME TV.

Ricki Wears Her Name on Her Shirt:
Just so we're all clear on who she's exploiting, Emily's daughter Ricki opens the show in a moving series of vignettes where she feeds ducks, releases balloons (fantastic metaphor for her mom's dignity), and puts on make up. Her mom has set her up for 0.0 chance at a normal childhood.

Emily just wants a minivan full of babies, y'all. 
Instead of watching her interview with Chris Harrision, here's the net: Ricky died. Brad bombed. Third times the charm? Too soon to tell. You know what I do know? She's a thinker.

"I think you save engagement for someone really special that you want to marry." - Emily. For The Win.

Instead of looking through photo albums when Ricki goes to bed at 7:30, maybe she should read a book.

Let's get to the good stuff.

Double-Hug Central:
It's time for Emily to meet her suitors. First time up to bat and she is really knocking the fashion ball out of the park. I can think of nothing I'd rather wear to my own personal auction, than a dress best suited for a spin around the Disney on Ice rink.

Recently divorced C.Harrison is thinking "If these guys don't do it for you, pick me! I've grown accustomed to dresses with pantyhose netting up the back."

Remember Bachelor Ben (howcouldyouforget)? He was/is such a boob. Unfortunately for Emily, the pack of st(duds) ABC has lined up for her appear to have been picked from the same litter. We've got a mushroom farmer, an "MC", a luxury brand consultant (he's the male Blakely - may she rest in Bachelor peace), and a "fitness model". As a woman, I take some comfort in knowing that the guys they find for this shitshow are just as embarrassing as the "ladies" cast in The Bachelor.

Either way, I'm certain cuz Emily (insert awkward "te-hee" giggle here) will find someone to have a meaningful 72 day relationship with. Here are a few of my early favorites.

Doug:

The hook: Single parents unite!

Joe:

The hook: I'm gonna jump out of the limo and scare you. Also, I like monochromatic outfits.

Arie:

The hook: I'm kind of hot and also I remind you of your former fiancé.

Chris:

The hook: My eyes are close together and my neck is super think, but dontworryaboutit.

Jef:

The hook: I'm into conserving things. Including letters.

It's way too early to get attached to any of these "guys", but I'm gonna go out on a limb & predict that the bird who brought the egg is not long for this reality show world.

I really liked that one home ec project where we had to carry around bags of flour. 

According to the previews of THE MOST DRAMATIC SEASON OF THE BACHELORETTE EVER, here's what we can expect: Downton, Dolly, Desperate, Drama, Douche (bags)

See you next week.