This is real life. Good luck!
We begin the 2 hour journey with Emily receiving breakfast in bed. From her mom. The parallels between our two lives is/are astounding.
Date 1: Chris & Emily, climbing the steps of love.
What better way to test the challenges of love? I think Chris sums it up best when he says:
"Climbing a building is like love. You have to start from the bottom and work your way to the top."
The fool misses his chance for a kiss, instead going in for the romantic high five.
Emily thanks him for sticking by her side all the way to the top. Lucky for her, his other options (falling to a bloody death on the pavement below and/or racing up to the top only to cut her rope were less appealing than sticking with her). Chivalry is not dead!
At dinner, the background music (think 70s porn) attempts to set the mood (for those of us at home anyway), but Chris the 25-year-old chickens out & cannot go in for the kiss. It's not until he has an awkward dance in front of Luke Countrysomethingerother that he goes in for the kill (cause that kind of thing in front of an audience is always ideal).
"Kissing Emily is the greatest thing I've ever experienced in my life". Mmmhmm.
"She looks unbelievable in a harness."
Cut to Tony, the lumber trader from Beaverton, calling his son on camera so we all know what a great dad he is. As he pontificates on how he's going to nail it on the group date, all of America declares in unison, "NOPE".
Group Date: 50 Shades of Emily's Lady Friends
These idiots think they're there to play football. NOPE.
Sidenote: Sean the insurance agent claims he's "not one to assert" himself. Um, you get the premise of this show, right?
Oh lordy her dress is one for the record-books. If she's taken up a part time job as one of those gold statues:
Then she's nailed it.
In preparation for the evening, Little Ricki resumes her weekly job of Perfume Girl, appropriately spraying her with the equivalent of a full bottle of Essence by Jessica Simpson.
We kick off tonight with Kalon, sporting some new glasses. After admitting he doesn't like to share & then cutting her off like a 1950s husband pissed his wife has an opinion, he's really on a roll. He wins the coveted Douche Bag Award of the evening.
"I don't like tall, skinny, and condescending." BOOM. See yah, Kay-kay.
Next up we get rid of the egg. No one cares, so we're not talking about it.
Um, her dialog with Alessandro is FANTASTIC. He is ready to "compromise" allowing Emily & her daughter into his life. She gives him the boot on the spot. Gloria Steinam would be proud(ish).
Side note 1: Love that the cameras caught her with combat boots on under her dress.
Side Note 2: She loves Arie. ARIE FOR THE (possibly prearranged) WIN.
Everyone gets a rose except for the Jersey Shore Cast off "MC". Back to Jersey for you.
Until next week.
These idiots think they're there to play football. NOPE.
Sidenote: Sean the insurance agent claims he's "not one to assert" himself. Um, you get the premise of this show, right?
I thought this was Road Rules.
On to the interview highlights with the 50 Shades of Grey Book Club:
Tony "I have a son & like to cry": He attempts to - yet again - proclaim that his son is his #1 priority. That's why you come on a reality show, right? Anyway, the ladies are bored. Onto the next.
Jef: He's 12. The ladies confuse him for a kid on the playground. Christian Grey he is not.
Sean: Went in for the kill with honesty, faith & family. Wendy the lead cougar is ready to take him home and reenact her favorite scenes from 50 SOG. Sean is frightened. I think he should be.
Wolf: Appears more like a cub when spending time with the ladies. Oddly, he does not bring up his super sweet nickname.
The interviews are interrupted by a clown car of children arriving at the scene. Apparently their challenge is to hang with the 10 & under set. Because what better way to tell if a guy is good with kids than to let him play with them for 10 minutes on a playground? That's pretty much, fatherhood, right?
Cut back to Tony: Calling his son, again. If this drama was a ploy to get attention and woo Emily...FAILBLOG. If it's not, and he truly didn't realize he'd be away from his son...Again, are these guys familiar with the premise?
I should have left last week.
Emily gives him the boot out of pity.
Date 3: Dolly & Arie = Love
They appear to have the park to themselves...To be clear, this is the only way I would ever want to experience this particular theme park.
The lovebirds make their way to Dolly's theater to find Dolly herself waiting to sing a custom bachelorette ditty. Why do they have to dance? Why is Dolly interviewing her? Just sing Dolly. Sing and look cosmetically-enhanced-fabulous.
Dolly approved.
"I don't have a lot of talents, but I'm a good mom." Way to sell yourself, Em.
Arie gets a rose (the lady likes a fast car driver) & goes in for a cheek kiss. But don't you worry, rose lovers, he goes after it on the merry-go-round. Emily is a smitten kitten.
Side note: If he's really a race car driver & she's in the know on all things Nascar, how do they not know each other? IS THIS A SET UP? I smell a conspiracy.
Side note: If he's really a race car driver & she's in the know on all things Nascar, how do they not know each other? IS THIS A SET UP? I smell a conspiracy.
Rose Ceremony:
Oh lordy her dress is one for the record-books. If she's taken up a part time job as one of those gold statues:
In preparation for the evening, Little Ricki resumes her weekly job of Perfume Girl, appropriately spraying her with the equivalent of a full bottle of Essence by Jessica Simpson.
We kick off tonight with Kalon, sporting some new glasses. After admitting he doesn't like to share & then cutting her off like a 1950s husband pissed his wife has an opinion, he's really on a roll. He wins the coveted Douche Bag Award of the evening.
"I don't like tall, skinny, and condescending." BOOM. See yah, Kay-kay.
Next up we get rid of the egg. No one cares, so we're not talking about it.
I know the egg's name (Shelly) but not yours. Well done, sir.
Um, her dialog with Alessandro is FANTASTIC. He is ready to "compromise" allowing Emily & her daughter into his life. She gives him the boot on the spot. Gloria Steinam would be proud(ish).
Side note 1: Love that the cameras caught her with combat boots on under her dress.
Side Note 2: She loves Arie. ARIE FOR THE (possibly prearranged) WIN.
Everyone gets a rose except for the Jersey Shore Cast off "MC". Back to Jersey for you.
Until next week.
No comments:
Post a Comment