Bachelorette Recap: Are You My Baby's Daddy?

The focus of tonight's episode is fatherhood. In case you hadn't heard, Emily has a daughter. Little Ricki. Little Ricki needs a man in her life stat. Her selfless mommy has thrown herself into the arms of 25 "men" with one single purpose: Find Father For Daughter.

 This is real life. Good luck!

We begin the 2 hour journey with Emily receiving breakfast in bed. From her mom. The parallels between our two lives is/are astounding.

Date 1: Chris & Emily, climbing the steps of love.

What better way to test the challenges of love? I think Chris sums it up best when he says:

"Climbing a building is like love. You have to start from the bottom and work your way to the top."

The fool misses his chance for a kiss, instead going in for the romantic high five. 

Emily thanks him for sticking by her side all the way to the top. Lucky for her, his other options (falling to a bloody death on the pavement below and/or racing up to the top only to cut her rope were less appealing than sticking with her). Chivalry is not dead!

At dinner, the background music (think 70s porn) attempts to set the mood (for those of us at home anyway), but Chris the 25-year-old chickens out & cannot go in for the kiss. It's not until he has an awkward dance in front of Luke Countrysomethingerother that he goes in for the kill (cause that kind of thing in front of an audience is always ideal).

"Kissing Emily is the greatest thing I've ever experienced in my life". Mmmhmm.

"She looks unbelievable in a harness."

Cut to Tony, the lumber trader from Beaverton, calling his son on camera so we all know what a great dad he is. As he pontificates on how he's going to nail it on the group date, all of America declares in unison, "NOPE".

Group Date: 50 Shades of Emily's Lady Friends

These idiots think they're there to play football. NOPE.

Sidenote: Sean the insurance agent claims he's "not one to assert" himself. Um, you get the premise of this show, right?

I thought this was Road Rules.

On to the interview highlights with the 50 Shades of Grey Book Club:

Tony "I have a son & like to cry": He attempts to - yet again - proclaim that his son is his #1 priority. That's why you come on a reality show, right? Anyway, the ladies are bored. Onto the next.

Jef: He's 12. The ladies confuse him for a kid on the playground. Christian Grey he is not.

Sean: Went in for the kill with honesty, faith & family. Wendy the lead cougar is ready to take him home and reenact her favorite scenes from 50 SOG. Sean is frightened. I think he should be.

Wolf: Appears more like a cub when spending time with the ladies. Oddly, he does not bring up his super sweet nickname.

The interviews are interrupted by a clown car of children arriving at the scene. Apparently their challenge is to hang with the 10 & under set. Because what better way to tell if a guy is good with kids than to let him play with them for 10 minutes on a playground? That's pretty much, fatherhood, right?

Cut back to Tony: Calling his son, again. If this drama was a ploy to get attention and woo Emily...FAILBLOG. If it's not, and he truly didn't realize he'd be away from his son...Again, are these guys familiar with the premise?

I should have left last week.

Emily gives him the boot out of pity. 

Date 3: Dolly & Arie = Love

They appear to have the park to themselves...To be clear, this is the only way I would ever want to experience this particular theme park.

The lovebirds make their way to Dolly's theater to find Dolly herself waiting to sing a custom bachelorette ditty. Why do they have to dance? Why is Dolly interviewing her? Just sing Dolly. Sing and look cosmetically-enhanced-fabulous.

Dolly approved.

"I don't have a lot of talents, but I'm a good mom." Way to sell yourself, Em.

Arie gets a rose (the lady likes a fast car driver) & goes in for a cheek kiss. But don't you worry, rose lovers, he goes after it on the merry-go-round. Emily is a smitten kitten.

Side note: If he's really a race car driver & she's in the know on all things Nascar, how do they not know each other? IS THIS A SET UP? I smell a conspiracy.

Rose Ceremony:

Oh lordy her dress is one for the record-books. If she's taken up a part time job as one of those gold statues:

Then she's nailed it.

In preparation for the evening, Little Ricki resumes her weekly job of Perfume Girl, appropriately spraying her with the equivalent of a full bottle of Essence by Jessica Simpson.

We kick off tonight with Kalon, sporting some new glasses. After admitting he doesn't like to share & then cutting her off like a 1950s husband pissed his wife has an opinion, he's really on a roll. He wins the coveted Douche Bag Award of the evening.

"I don't like tall, skinny, and condescending." BOOM. See yah, Kay-kay.

Next up we get rid of the egg. No one cares, so we're not talking about it.

I know the egg's name (Shelly) but not yours. Well done, sir.

Um, her dialog with Alessandro is FANTASTIC. He is ready to "compromise" allowing Emily & her daughter into his life. She gives him the boot on the spot. Gloria Steinam would be proud(ish).

Side note 1: Love that the cameras caught her with combat boots on under her dress.

Side Note 2: She loves Arie. ARIE FOR THE (possibly prearranged) WIN.

Everyone gets a rose except for the Jersey Shore Cast off "MC". Back to Jersey for you.

Until next week.

Bachelorette Recap: Tragedy Strikes

I'll just come right out and say it.

I missed the first hour.

There is a chance the DVR rejected the programming based on the content. Wise, wise machine.

I tuned in just in time to see Kermit zipping up one of Emily's Merry Go Round prom dresses. BLAST! If I missed these idiots singing "Rainbow Connection" in unison...Someone. Will. Pay.

This isn't creepy. Not at all.

Cut to her date with Joe at the Greenbriar. Couple thoughts:

1) I went to the Greenbriar 20 years ago. I do not remember it being that pink.

2) Is she, or is she not borrowing all of her gowns from the Toddlers & Tiaras set?

3) Sure he seems a little cheesy, but really? He goes home? I want to believe you when you say you take this "journey" seriously, but, um, I don't. Fool me once ABC, shame on you. Fool me 17 times?  Shame on me. 

See yah.

Time for the Rose Ceremony...

Up first, we've got Ryan. He must be a fan of Game of Thrones. That's the only explanation I can come up with for the dramatic SEVEN PAGE letter delivered via scroll. Thankfully the editors cut to commercial midway through page one. Unfortunately for Tony, his ill-timed attempt for alone time forced him to endure every last word.

Winning.

Kalon is crying on a porch swing. Apparently the other boys were mean to him on the playground during recess so he is pouting. He keeps using very big words to describe simple emotions. I think I get why the other guys wanted to kick him out of the playhouse.

What? My lips are just like that.

Ari...Nothing to make fun of you for. Keep up the good work.

I like race car drivers. I can't help it.

John...I'm fairly confident no one - and I mean no one - calls you "Wolf". Like ever. I'm guessing your buddies back home get a kick out of that stunt every time the super comes up on screen.

I haven't done anything yet, but my nickname is slayin' it.

Jef. She digs you. There's no way she'll end up with you, so enjoy it while it lasts. Also, can't wait for you  to get back in the studio with Gwen & the rest of No Doubt. Miss you guys.

I want you cause I can't tell if you want me.

Until next week.

Bachelorette Recap: This Time, It's Personal

That's right ladies & gents, the Bachelorette is back. And guess what? We're related.

FOR REALS.

Here's the connection. My dad has a brother. He has a wife. She has a brother. He has kids. One is Emily.

6 degrees of Emily Maynard.

Full disclosure: I don't know her personally, I only know what I hear from my cousins. Might I find out who she picked before Reality Steve & the other spoiler blogs out there? Totes. Will I be sharing that here? Nope. Spoiler free zone. What I do know is the following:

1) She dumped Brad.
2) She likes being famous.

Because she's not blood, I can be honest: I think she's stiff as a board. This has the potential to be the looooongest, most awkward season of The Bachelorette ever. Which means it will be AWESOME TV.

Ricki Wears Her Name on Her Shirt:
Just so we're all clear on who she's exploiting, Emily's daughter Ricki opens the show in a moving series of vignettes where she feeds ducks, releases balloons (fantastic metaphor for her mom's dignity), and puts on make up. Her mom has set her up for 0.0 chance at a normal childhood.

Emily just wants a minivan full of babies, y'all. 
Instead of watching her interview with Chris Harrision, here's the net: Ricky died. Brad bombed. Third times the charm? Too soon to tell. You know what I do know? She's a thinker.

"I think you save engagement for someone really special that you want to marry." - Emily. For The Win.

Instead of looking through photo albums when Ricki goes to bed at 7:30, maybe she should read a book.

Let's get to the good stuff.

Double-Hug Central:
It's time for Emily to meet her suitors. First time up to bat and she is really knocking the fashion ball out of the park. I can think of nothing I'd rather wear to my own personal auction, than a dress best suited for a spin around the Disney on Ice rink.

Recently divorced C.Harrison is thinking "If these guys don't do it for you, pick me! I've grown accustomed to dresses with pantyhose netting up the back."

Remember Bachelor Ben (howcouldyouforget)? He was/is such a boob. Unfortunately for Emily, the pack of st(duds) ABC has lined up for her appear to have been picked from the same litter. We've got a mushroom farmer, an "MC", a luxury brand consultant (he's the male Blakely - may she rest in Bachelor peace), and a "fitness model". As a woman, I take some comfort in knowing that the guys they find for this shitshow are just as embarrassing as the "ladies" cast in The Bachelor.

Either way, I'm certain cuz Emily (insert awkward "te-hee" giggle here) will find someone to have a meaningful 72 day relationship with. Here are a few of my early favorites.

Doug:

The hook: Single parents unite!

Joe:

The hook: I'm gonna jump out of the limo and scare you. Also, I like monochromatic outfits.

Arie:

The hook: I'm kind of hot and also I remind you of your former fiancé.

Chris:

The hook: My eyes are close together and my neck is super think, but dontworryaboutit.

Jef:

The hook: I'm into conserving things. Including letters.

It's way too early to get attached to any of these "guys", but I'm gonna go out on a limb & predict that the bird who brought the egg is not long for this reality show world.

I really liked that one home ec project where we had to carry around bags of flour. 

According to the previews of THE MOST DRAMATIC SEASON OF THE BACHELORETTE EVER, here's what we can expect: Downton, Dolly, Desperate, Drama, Douche (bags)

See you next week.

Necessary Extravagance

I now live in a home with 2 - count 'em - 2 DVRs.

Know what this means? I can record DOUBLE THE SHOWS. AND I can watch my favorite shows - at my convenience - IN BED.

You could say that this new luxury is a sad reflection of today's society.

Or you could just say that it's pretty fantastic that I can watch "Game of Thrones" while DVRing "The Good Wife", "Mad Men" and "Veep". 

Technology!