Bachelor Recap: LADIES TELL ALL

IT.
IS.
ON.

The following must be said: I may write about this sh!t every week, but good god I would be horrified if I was in the audience watching these idiots rehash their "journeys" while explaining to everyone what they've learned about love.

Smile! We're going to D-listers for another 1.25 minutes!

Before we get into tonight's edition of "Women Studies: The Bottom of the Barrel", let's visit with our buddies from past Bachelor/Bachelorettes at a "mixer" in Vegas. The highlight for me has to be Frank & Ali's reunion. Why? Because Frank burned a DVD for me at work a few weeks back.

He's lovely in person, don't get me wrong, but seeing him on TV is AMAZEBALLS. It's the closest I'll get to watching a reality show starring my coworkers. Anyhoo, this segment is one big trailer for The Bachelor Pad Part 3. Who cares about these has-beens, let's get to tonight's almost has-beens.

To ground everyone in why we're here, let's remember that all of these "ladies" are fighting over a man that looks like an adult cabbage patch kid.

Thanks D-Mudd for the tip.

Yep.

Below you will find a series of my favorite observations:

The ladies whose names we don't know do the bulk of the talking. Maybe they're making up for lost time. Dunno. What I do know is that they're not bright, as in "I can read", but they sure are bright as in "I love the tanning bed".

Blonde 1 just called Blonde 2 a chihuahua (I have to agree with her, but I'm hoping to never hear either one of them speak again).

Emily is rockin' her very best COME HITHER dress, spouting off all kinds of epidemiologist-inspired advice. She finally says the one & only intelligent comment of the night, admitting she would not want to be with someone who would fall for Catalog Model's antics. Amen sista.

Side note: I wish we were hearing more from Jenna Jessica Parker. Remember her?

Dr. Rose tells Kacie B we all fell in love with her. Cut to me screaming at the TV - "NOPE".

As we near the end of The Bachelor: Courtney's Reality School Thesis, we watch the "ladies" play right into her hands. Come on girls! Nothing will make her seem more sympathetic then crying while being berated by 23 idiots whose reliance on non-sequiturs renders them virtually incoherent.

Side note: I'm pretty confident we heard her slip a bit with her "I <sniff sniff> cared about Ben...PAUSE...I care about him still." BOOM. He picks you. You dump him. Called it. A brilliant, brilliant performance worthy of a course at Harvard ala Jay Z's Hip Hop studies.

By the time Ben comes out it feels as if this show has been on for at least 3 hours. All of the "ladies" are throwing themselves at Ben one last time while he sits there looking as oafish as ever. I think my favorite moment has to be the video montage of Courtney & Ben with the picture-in-picture box featuring the audience mouthing things like "she's a terrible person" and "she's the worst".

Next week we wrap this sh!tshow up. I predict Courtney gets the rose & the ring at the end of hour 2 only to announce that they've broken up in the "After The Final Rose" ceremony (hour 3).

In related news, I also predict that Seal will not be there singing "Kissed by a Rose."