We have to suffer through 120 minutes of puffery before we get to the good stuff.
Until then, we're back in Switzerland (cut to the first of 36 gratuitous mountain shots) where Ben has been joined by his remaining "ladies" + his robo-mom (seriously, is she there?) and his seemingly level-headed sister, Julia.
Please note the mom's vest. Ben borrows it later in the episode.
Ben shares his fears about both women - he's confused. They feign concern while the rest of America knows the only thing he's worried about is whether or not everyone in the country hates the one he wants to pick.
Up first, we've got Lindzi in all of her "lights up a room"-glory. She's gotta know this isn't happening, right? Anyhoo, mom & sis would give her a first impression rose if they had one to give out. Oh Lindz. What an awkward charmer you are.
She remains classy when Julia (who I'm pretty confident would cut a b!tch) asks her about Courtney. She describes her only as "different from me" (um, yes) and continues to laugh at nothing.
She's a raging bitch. Please see through my incessant giggling.
Next up, Courtney arrives, trying her hardest to be a normal girl (while speaking in a voice that has dogs everywhere howling). Playing the role of "model next door", she dresses in her very best baby doll dress & tights, cooing over her little Benny-Boo. The reign of terror continues, as she is able to win over both robo-mom (which doesn't really count because she's clearly medicated), and the seemingly smart sister.
I'd rather be sleeping.
Ben & his mom (inexplicably wearing matching coats) discuss both women. Illustrating that the apple has fallen directly from this dense tree, both women assure him that Courtney is the right choice, sor Lindz.
Is that hat cutting off your circulation?
Um, okay. Can we jump to the after-show? The next 40 minutes are POINTLESS.
FINAL DATE EVER: LINDZ PUTS HER BEST ORANGE FOOT FORWARD:
Extreme sports metaphor: "It's my first time skiing and I'm scared, but it's just like
relationships, you just have to take a risk."
The two find themselves trapped in a gondola reliving their 4 (count 'em) 4 dates that have lead to this very special, authentic place.
The gondola makes its way up the mountain so they can tandem ski. BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS EASIER WHEN YOU'RE LITERALLY CONNECTED AT THE HIP. Man this is stupid. I'm so glad the instrumental version of "This Year's Love" is playing, otherwise I wouldn't know how to feel.
COURTNEY, HER SQUEAL & ANOTHER PAIR OF GLOVES:
Our two faves find themselves in a helicopter - of course they are - venturing to the top of the Materhorn for a picnic, some snow angels & sledding. We hear them discuss their "journey" for the 5th time (as there have been approximately that many dates) while discussing their future babies.
WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! WE HAVE NEVER RUN ERRANDS TOGETHER!
Ben wears his mom's vest from earlier in the trip to visit with Courts one last time. Awwww, she made him a photo album - OF COURSE SHE DID. He can't seem to figure out where she got all of the photos. Um, maybe those cameras following you around had something to do with it. She loves him. He looks on longingly while saying nothing. The end.
After watching Ben wander the streets of Switzerland with his internal monologue booming in all of our ears, we hear him utter the 5 words we know he knows: feelings, journey, hurdles, incredible, rose. Then Neil Lane shows up (as he's apt to do), with a plate full of diamonds.
Hey Neil, nice to see you. AGAIN.
While the ladies throw their respective capes on & head to the top of the mountain (a dangerous spot to dump someone), we hear them both professing their love one last time.
Ben places himself in the middle of a Swiss Miss commercial and waits for his ladies. First out of the copter? SURPRISE. SIKE.
I love "Once Upon A Time" on ABC.
Ben: "you're all about first impressions" OUCH. Apparently everything after that first moment has been downhill. Thanks for the memories, but this ain't gonna happen.
At first, I am proud of Lindz for how well she's taking it. And then she said:
"IF THINGS DON'T WORK OUT, CALL ME". Come on, girl.
Off she jets in the helicopter of sadness. Don't worry hon. You've got that horse waitin' for yah back home.
Here we go my friends, the moment I predicted many weeks ago...Catalog Courts and her black widow gloves are, in fact, WINNING.
The look on her face is that of someone who just won $25 in the slots.
KILL SHOT.
She removes her OJ Simpson gloves so he can slip the rock on her shaking finger. She says she will love him FOREVER (mmhmm). Let's see how we do in hour 3.
AFTER THE ROSE
Well, guys, it's happened. I have no more energy to write words about these two idiots. Dr. Rose brings Ben out immediately so he can address the US Magazine images that show him kissing other women. He swears he didn't cheat (despite the oopsiwoopsie images). No one cares enough to question him.
Courtney, in her shiney white gauze wrap, is trying so very hard to convince the studio audience (who clearly thinks she's the devil in disguise) that she loves the big dumb oaf. I believe that she is nailing this performance.
Apparently the two lovebirds have hit a rough patch (what with Ben actually watching the show & realizing she's a nut-job), but you know what, he should have stuck by his "lady". He knows that now and he sure hopes she can forgive him. Thank goodness Dr. Rose is there to provide them with the most public therapy session ever. So many tears. Are they real human tears? Who knows. And also, who cares. Let's place that rock back on her finger so we can keep this charade going.
I promise to love you forever another month or so.
Courtney: You are officially the Queen Of The Reality Bitches. It has been a pleasure tracking your every calculated move. I will miss you.
Ben: Good luck. Just in general. Good luck.
Now, onto EMILY.
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