AMAs: Adults Making Assess (of themselves)

I won't waste any time telling you that watching the AMAs in their entirety was a colossal waste of time. We knew that going in, didn't we?

Because the show is performance heavy (and these awards mean less than most award shows), I'll keep my quips short, sweet & focused on the "singing".

1) Nicki Minaj & David Guetta. She's wearing scrap metal. The forgotten Transformer. I don't know who he is. Pretty sure I don't care.

2) Justin Bieber. That white leather track suit with matching shoes (that have to be 12 sizes too big) are totally working. SIKE. You're not fooling us with this talk of "kissing under the mistletoe". We know about that baby.

3) The Band Perry. I actually like this song. DON'T HATE ME. It makes my heart hurt. Having said that, those guys in the back (her "brothers") creep me out. Put a hat on.

**Nicki Minaj just won something. She can't walk in her 10 inch heels and also, she looks like Lily Pulitzer puked on her.

4) Chris Brown. You can't really sing, so let's just accept that. You can, however, dance. Doesn't really matter though. You hit girls.

My fave performance from 2010.

5) Kelly Clarkson. Oh dear. I want to get behind the "Newsies" theme, but it's falling super flat. And your take on Jessica Rabbit, while not "flat", is not working.

**Taylor Swift just accepted an award from the creepiest band of boys this side of Children of the Corn. I don't know who they are and I hope to never see them again.

6) Enrique Iglesias. "I Like How It Feels". About as subtle as "Tonight I'm F%%$ing You". I don't care if you put a children's choir & trampoline behind you. We know what you're talking about. Though, I do love me some preppy Luda.

7) One Republic. Holy pitchfest. Man, I hate this song. The sing/rap bit BUGS. They are one season away from performing at Lincoln Park's Winterfest Zoo Lights.

8) Pitbull, Marc Anthony, & Lil John. I don't know these songs. I don't want to know these songs. Pitbull personifies every single reason I avoid the club circuit. Marc Anthony reminds me why I eat regular meals (the veins popping out of his skeletor body freak me out). Lil' John, I thought you passed away. Happy to see I was wrong.

9) Katy Perry. I like you better when you're not trying to dance (because let's be clear, you cannot). Look, we get it. You like pink. But tonight's Jetsons meets Warren Jeffs number is just bad.

**AHHHHHH! Those horrible boys are back. Who is the F is Hot Chelle Rae? They cannot be for real.

10) Jennifer Lopez. Look at you trying to sing. Oh wait! You trickster. Thank God you're not re-enacting that stupid Fiat commercial. Spoke to soon. Holy shameless sell out. Now you're doing Britney circa 1999. You're someone's mother for God's sake.

11) Mary J Blige. I know that you are talented & classier than most of the people in the audience, but I cannot name one song that you sing. Watching you dance in Pitbull's pantsuit is making me uncomfortable.

12) Maroon 5. Man these guys are douchey, but dammit if their songs aren't catchy. Oh dear Lord Christina. Girlfriend, you are no longer a Genie in a Bottle. More like a Buddha in a Sausage Casing. Get a stylist.

**Taylor Swift just told Selena Gomez that Jennifer Lopez is speaking Spanish. Sharp knife that T-Swift.

13) Drake. Ehh. You're no Jay. You're no Luda.

**Nick Lachey's second wife just told me that the finale is THE BEST THING I'LL EVER SEE. If that turns out to be true, it will confirm only that my life is in need of some redirection.

14) Daughtry. Much like Nickelback, I would like you to go away. That is all.

15)  Will.I.Am, JLo and Tetris. You know what you 2? YOU can 'Go Hard' or 'Go Home'.

THE GRAND FINALE THAT IS GOING TO CHANGE MY LIFE FEATURES L.M.F.A.O. DAVID HASSELHOFF AND THAT LIP SYNCING BOY FROM YOUTUBE.

BYE BYE!