Bachelorette Recap: THE MOST DRAMATIC TELEVISION EVENT OF THE SUMMER

Oh Rose Lovers, it's like Oscar Sunday.

In lieu of a red carpet, we head back to that weird Caribbean island that no one can spell or  pronounce. Everyone's favorite LoveDoctor & an audience full of overly-expressive SSLs (SadSingleLadies) are ready to guide us down the final path to love. It's going to be a bumpy JOURNEY, but I believe (about as much as Seal, Michael Bolton & Peter Cetera), Love Will Find A Way. After a quick dip in the pool & an even quicker sound bite regarding Ricki meeting the guys, we get right into the "action".

Segment 1: Jef meets the parents.

Smooth Operator/Entrepreneur

This whole section was a snooze.
Highlights:
1) Mom's engagement ring-shaped earrings are distracting.
2) Ernie.
3) Everyone avoiding the elephant(s) in the room. Is he a Mormon? Is his hair for real? Does he know he spells his name wrong?

Segment 2: Arie's TALK show.

 Oh Arie. Werrrrk it.

After an awkward start, Slick Rick breaks the tension with a box of dead roses. The family is won over in an instant.

Segment 3: Everyone is confused.

Mom, Dad, ERNIE & his silent bride-to-be are unable to provide The Princess nonBride with a clear-cut answer on who she should pick. Does she like either one of them? Emily fears this is all just a game...WAIT A MINUTE.

I just want to be on TV.

Segment 4: Jef's last stand.

Net-net: After 10 minutes of scripted angst & back/forth re: should Ricki meet Jef...Jef meets Ricki.

As I've predicted all season, he nails his manny audition. Ricki seems excited to have a friend her own size to play with.

Emily & Jef's voice over packages remind all of us sitting at home, that they "get" each other. They continue their celibate path at night's end, sending each other home to take a cold shower.

Before we get to Arie, we cut to some sweet, sweet sound bites from our expert audience panel. Thanks, Paisley. Lady from Texas. Your insight has proven to be incredibly critical to all of us understanding what went on here tonight.

SURPRISE Segment 5: Poor, poor Arie.

In an emergency session with Doctor Chris (who seemed genuinely disappointed her big surprise wasn't that she picks him), we learn that Emily can't even fake it through another date with Arie because she knows Jef is The One. To her credit, she probably didn't want to introduce Ricki to too many dudes. Let's reinstate her for mom of the year.

I'm sorry, Arie. Maybe that producer is still available.

Before Arie hears his fate, the producers insist upon going through the motions of the poor man creating a "love potion" for Emily. Oh honey. Nothing you're gonna pick in that garden is going to be enough to get you through the next 4 minutes.

She shows up in the Limo of Sadness. It's awkward. And sad. Well, "sad" relative to other reality TV show dramas. Not sad as compared to actual real life drama.

Happier times.

The dramatic heartbeat sound effects in her mike are spectacular. Well done, ABC audio man.

The studio audience is heartbroken. How do we know? They're not whooping like idiots and the sad violin music tells us so. 

 My job is very serious.

Before we get to the reason we're all here, we need to fill time  hear from a panel of Bachelor/Bachelorette cast-offs. Each one offers a quote more useless than the next. My favorite moment was when the girl (whose name does not matter) from Brad's season made a face when Chris called her Emily's best friend. #nolovelost

Segment 6: Let's Do This

Our girl bounces back from yesterday's heartbreak and gets ready for her big proposal. She pretends she might not accept, but we all know that's just a bunch of West Virginia Hooey.

Jef meets up with his new BFF Neil Lane to pick up his free ring. Then, we watch him roll up his royal blue slacks & walk the beach thinking his voiceover package aloud for all of us to hear.

While Jef ponders his journey, Emily puts on her finale pageant dress - PEACHES AND CREAM AND GOLD AND SPARKLES - what a delight.

My plan to blend with the pots is a success.

The proposal in a nutshell: Emily loves Jef. Jef loves Emily. God says so. After an incredibly ridiculous dramatic pause, she accepts the rock.

I TOTALLY called the Peter Cetera reference earlier in the night. Cue this gem:

Ricki makes her big entrance to meet her new "family". This poor child does not have a shot at normalcy. Unless her view of normal is Kardshain-esque. If that's the case, then she's a-okay.

 Hey Ricki, I'm your new dad. The end.

Much like Oscar Sunday, the hype was better than the event. I look forward to following along with the "reporters" at Us Weekly who will no doubt document their apparent "mission" trip to Africa to save the children. I wonder if they allow 4 buckets of makeup in the tents. Fingers crossed the cameras follow them. I smell a Good Morning America special report!

The Bachelor is up next. Will it be Roberto? Sean? Arie? Only time will tell. See you then.

The Bachelorette: The "Men" Tell All

Rose Lovers, it's time for this season's contestants to have their say.

Come on down!

Will Kalon live up to his name?

I'm serious.

 Will Ryan announce his own local Bachelor show in Augusta?

 I'm killing this shirt.

Will that one dad who cried a lot keeping crying?

I'm a dad 'n stuff.

We'll have to wait a segment or six to for these compelling answers because first up, we've got our resident LoveDoctor sitting down in the Pier One suite with "...the most popular Bachelorette ever".

 What I like about this shot is that it's not creepy.

Here's what we learned: 

-Chris can't dance.
-Ryan looks ridiculous in an apron.
-Little Miss Sunshine has a potty mouth. Particularly when she spills wine on her pageant dress.

Segment 2: The Bachelor Pad is going to be "like nothing you've ever seen on TV". Except for last season. And the season before that.

This is gonna go great.

Segment 3-5: THE MEN TELL ALL

Before we get to the part where we talk about how much we hate Kalon and love Sean, let's watch a video package recapping all of the "drama".

OR, we can watch this priceless gem:

I miss you, Catalog Model.

Here's a recap of the group talk: No one likes Kalon, the guy with the Ostrich Egg seems normal for a guy with an egg, and there are at least 4 guys there I've never seen before.

The Hot Seat: 

Kalon is up first. SURPRISE! We're reliving the infamous "get the f$%K out" moment that was totally scripted, but thoroughly enjoyable. He's about as genuine as Emily's new boobs (more on that later). 

Ryan is up next. He's sexy & he knows it. The end. 

Chris, the overly sensitive 25-year-old, seems to have something to say about everyone. But he's not defensive, America. No sir-ee. He's healing his broken heart/loins on this season of The Bachelor Pad. He wants to find true love. Obvi.

Sean. Sweet, sweet Sean. He's a doll. A little naive, but a doll nonetheless. However, I'm fairly certain I discovered why the she didn't pick him:

#cursedplaid

Regardless, the ABC producers have got to be salivating over this all-American (albeit, vanilla), dreamboat.

Emily & her new breasts (and maybe new cheekbones?) have arrived on stage.

My hair is also not real.

Little Miss Sass practiced her NOYOUDI-INT lines off camera. The audience claps in Gloria-Steinam-like unison as she tells Kalon what he can do with his Prada shoes.

The last few minutes consist of an underwhelming blooper reel, a tease of Sunday's 3 hour finale, and a look back at all of the magical moments from this JOURNEY.

Until Sunday.

Bachelorette Recap: Back By Popular Demand

Rose Lovers...I'm sorry I abandoned you. To be clear, I have not missed a minute of my cousin-by-marriage's journey. I just lazed out on capturing all of the unforgettable drama here on SGF.

Take me to my prince.

Let's recap our remaining 3 by highlighting the 3 most important facts about each of our gentlemen.

Sean:
1) Seems sweet (average intelligence).
2) Wears v-necks with pink shorts.
3) According to Emily, "...he only wants to get married once." Apparently this is a selling point.

Pick me.

Jef: 
1) He spells his name like a douche bag.
2) He's a solid 5 inches shorter than his competitors.
3) He might be a better candidate for Little Ricki's manny.

 He's an entrepreneur. Mmhmm.

Arie:
1) There's something slimy about him. I keep wanting to call him Slick Rick.
2) His Dutch parents are bizarre.
3) He dated the producer who is not attractive 6 years ago.

Werk it, Rick.

Here's how we wrap the intro package: Emily walks on beach. Emily ponders how strong her connections are with each guy. Emily draws her name in sand (as I'm often want to do) with a big heart. Before she can tell us who she "hearts", the waves wash it away. A little on the nose, even for you ABC producers.

First Date: Sean & his v-necks.

Net-net: Emily is dying to know if Sean loves her. Because, you know, after 5 weeks if he doesn't love her, something must be wrong.

According to his voiceover, he's loved our girl since that one time they went to Prague. But he can't articulate it. If only she could hear the voiceover package we're blessed with.

Cut to evening on the beach next to the fire some poor PA was forced to light. Sean reads a letter he wrote to Ricki, all but guaranteeing himself a night int he fantasy suite.

The lovebirds make a beeline for the jacuzzi where the will-they-or-won't-they begins.

As expected, she boots him after an undisclosed amount of hooking up. She's a mom, y'all. She's just not that kind of girl.

We see you.

Second Date: Jef & his Flock Of Seagulls

 

Is anyone else concerned he's Mormon?

1) He's from Utah.
2) His parents were in China on a mission trip (they called it "charity", same dif).
3) He had like 18 sisters in last week's hometown date.

If I know my girl Emily (and I think it's safe to say I do), homegirl isn't down with Utah & mission trips.

Anyhoo, on our lover's big date, one thing is clear: they "get each other ". I suppose if you say it enough times, it eventually comes true. Also worth noting, when Emily is making Little Ricki's lunch, she thinks of Jef. TOLD YAH AMERICA, he's a lock on that manny gig.

These 2 lovebirds make the trek to the fantasy suite (ofcoursetheydo). But it's PG. The "bridled passion" is all locked up for now. WATCH OUT AMERICA.When it's unleashed, that seagull hair is gonna go wild.

Date 3: Arie & his lips

She loves kissing Arie. The end.

It's interesting (overstatement, but go with me) because these 2 seemed to have the most in common a few episodes ago and now...just the kissing.

Shhhh. Stop talking. Let's just do this.

I'm getting a very vanilla vibe at dinner tonight.

Side note: Her dinner, some sort of avocado explosion, looks delicious. A shame it's going to waste while she listens to Arie rattle on about how to be a dad.

Time for the fantasy suite...What to do, what to do. In a surprising twist, she decides she doesn't trust herself in the fantasy suite with Slick Rick, so she doesn't even offer up the card. Instead they make out on the dock & then she cries away her sexual frustration in a one-on-one interview.

The Rose Ceremony: This is hard, y'all.

Love is confusing 'n stuff.

Who better to help Emily sort this out than Chris "I'm a Bachelor Too" Harrison. After using the words "choice", "heart", and "journey" more times than any one person should in a conversation/lifetime, Chris shares the video messages each guy left for her. I'll sum each one up with 1 word.

Sean: Generic.

Jef: Winning.

Arie: LookAtMyLips.

First rose? Jef.

Second rose? Arie.

This one surprised me. Sean's honest confessional in the Limo of Sadness was actually sad-ish. But, don't you worry, Sean. The ladies will line up for you & on the next season of The Bachelor.

Next week the guys tell all while Emily wears pageant dresses. 

Bachelorette Recap: Bless Your Heart

We're off to Bermuda for some family-friendly fun with Emily, Little Ricki & "the boys". The mother/daughter bonding montage featuring Ricki flying kites while Emily tries to convince us she's really doing this all for her fatherless little girl. Mmmhmm.

Am I the only one missing Courtney, Ben's "winner" from last season? At least she did stuff.

Anyhoo, it's up to the pack of gems ABC corralled to conjure up some drama. Best they can come up with is teasing Doug, the recipient of the first date. See guys, he's very sensitive. And very stepford.  There's something sinister brewing in there....

Side note: Alejandro the 24-year-old Mushroom Farmer is worried he's never had a one-on-one date.

Put me in coach!

Date 1: I'm sorry, I fell asleep.

I think it's safe to say the most boring date in Bachelorette history can be summed up as follows:

"This is what people do on vacation. They walk around town, they entertain each other." - Emily, Master of the Obvious

Emily (who appears to have a metallic butterfly sprouting out of her hoo-haa), is questioning whether or not Doug is too good to be true. Based on the quotes below, the answer is no:

"I'm just a guy. I'm not wealthy, I'm not poor. I'm not a genius, I'm not a dummy." - Doug, The Intellect

"If Emily wants a kiss from Doug, she'll let Doug know." 

Buh-Bye.

Date 2: Sailing The Seas Of Love.


In a sailing race best described as the opposite of riveting, the yellow team beats the red team. What does this mean? Arie and Jef + 2 other guys whose names don't matter get to hang out with Emily while 4 other guys whose names I don't remember are sent back to the hotel. Worth noting, however, is that one of the nameless guys is crying.

A bunch of losers.

"God designed you to be a beautiful woman. So be a beautiful woman." - Ryan, the standing President of the Ryan Fan Club

"There's a lot of depth here. I'm not here to impress you, I'm here to make an impression on you."

Jef-minus-the-f, steals Emily away to tell her how much he, "like - likes her - like really". They have a really sweet "vibe" between them. In other news, Jef has been cast as the final Power Ranger in the upcoming ABC Family reboot.

"I like roses, 'n stuff."

Date 3: Quinoa "cue-no-ah".


The dreaded 2-on-1 date is up next. Swimming, sailing, & awkwardness abound. It's pretty obvious she's not interested in either one of these duds, but for approximately 7 minutes of air time, she will pretend they have a shot.

After a heart-to-heart with guy #1, Emily describes him as if he's a classmate of little Ricki's. Little peanut. I choose to find it endearing that he pronounced "Quinoa", "cue-no-ah".

Guy 2, formerly know as "Wolf", takes a more adult approach, scoring the rose. At least for one more week.

Nailed it.

The Rose Ceremony: The Allusion of Drama.

Instead of spraying her mom with her weekly dose of perfume, Ricki is spending time with her tutor, learning words 'n stuff. What a perfect moment for another Emily voiceover, reminding us why she's here. OPERATION BABY DADDY.

Ryan, everyone's favorite douche bag, announces that he is in talks with the "local media" regarding a bachelor show of his own (only if this one doesn't work out, of course). The rest of the dudes are starting to think this guy isn't really here for Emily. You simply cannot slip anything by this pack of scholars.

After making the rounds with the remaining crew (where Arie is clearly in the lead), she gives the boot to the guy who cried in the van & the guy with the long hair (who cried in rain).

The biggest loser of all? Emily's horse ponytail. #extensionfail

See you in London for a little Dowton Emily.

Bachelorette Recap: Are You My Baby's Daddy?

The focus of tonight's episode is fatherhood. In case you hadn't heard, Emily has a daughter. Little Ricki. Little Ricki needs a man in her life stat. Her selfless mommy has thrown herself into the arms of 25 "men" with one single purpose: Find Father For Daughter.

 This is real life. Good luck!

We begin the 2 hour journey with Emily receiving breakfast in bed. From her mom. The parallels between our two lives is/are astounding.

Date 1: Chris & Emily, climbing the steps of love.

What better way to test the challenges of love? I think Chris sums it up best when he says:

"Climbing a building is like love. You have to start from the bottom and work your way to the top."

The fool misses his chance for a kiss, instead going in for the romantic high five. 

Emily thanks him for sticking by her side all the way to the top. Lucky for her, his other options (falling to a bloody death on the pavement below and/or racing up to the top only to cut her rope were less appealing than sticking with her). Chivalry is not dead!

At dinner, the background music (think 70s porn) attempts to set the mood (for those of us at home anyway), but Chris the 25-year-old chickens out & cannot go in for the kiss. It's not until he has an awkward dance in front of Luke Countrysomethingerother that he goes in for the kill (cause that kind of thing in front of an audience is always ideal).

"Kissing Emily is the greatest thing I've ever experienced in my life". Mmmhmm.

"She looks unbelievable in a harness."

Cut to Tony, the lumber trader from Beaverton, calling his son on camera so we all know what a great dad he is. As he pontificates on how he's going to nail it on the group date, all of America declares in unison, "NOPE".

Group Date: 50 Shades of Emily's Lady Friends

These idiots think they're there to play football. NOPE.

Sidenote: Sean the insurance agent claims he's "not one to assert" himself. Um, you get the premise of this show, right?

I thought this was Road Rules.

On to the interview highlights with the 50 Shades of Grey Book Club:

Tony "I have a son & like to cry": He attempts to - yet again - proclaim that his son is his #1 priority. That's why you come on a reality show, right? Anyway, the ladies are bored. Onto the next.

Jef: He's 12. The ladies confuse him for a kid on the playground. Christian Grey he is not.

Sean: Went in for the kill with honesty, faith & family. Wendy the lead cougar is ready to take him home and reenact her favorite scenes from 50 SOG. Sean is frightened. I think he should be.

Wolf: Appears more like a cub when spending time with the ladies. Oddly, he does not bring up his super sweet nickname.

The interviews are interrupted by a clown car of children arriving at the scene. Apparently their challenge is to hang with the 10 & under set. Because what better way to tell if a guy is good with kids than to let him play with them for 10 minutes on a playground? That's pretty much, fatherhood, right?

Cut back to Tony: Calling his son, again. If this drama was a ploy to get attention and woo Emily...FAILBLOG. If it's not, and he truly didn't realize he'd be away from his son...Again, are these guys familiar with the premise?

I should have left last week.

Emily gives him the boot out of pity. 

Date 3: Dolly & Arie = Love

They appear to have the park to themselves...To be clear, this is the only way I would ever want to experience this particular theme park.

The lovebirds make their way to Dolly's theater to find Dolly herself waiting to sing a custom bachelorette ditty. Why do they have to dance? Why is Dolly interviewing her? Just sing Dolly. Sing and look cosmetically-enhanced-fabulous.

Dolly approved.

"I don't have a lot of talents, but I'm a good mom." Way to sell yourself, Em.

Arie gets a rose (the lady likes a fast car driver) & goes in for a cheek kiss. But don't you worry, rose lovers, he goes after it on the merry-go-round. Emily is a smitten kitten.

Side note: If he's really a race car driver & she's in the know on all things Nascar, how do they not know each other? IS THIS A SET UP? I smell a conspiracy.

Rose Ceremony:

Oh lordy her dress is one for the record-books. If she's taken up a part time job as one of those gold statues:

Then she's nailed it.

In preparation for the evening, Little Ricki resumes her weekly job of Perfume Girl, appropriately spraying her with the equivalent of a full bottle of Essence by Jessica Simpson.

We kick off tonight with Kalon, sporting some new glasses. After admitting he doesn't like to share & then cutting her off like a 1950s husband pissed his wife has an opinion, he's really on a roll. He wins the coveted Douche Bag Award of the evening.

"I don't like tall, skinny, and condescending." BOOM. See yah, Kay-kay.

Next up we get rid of the egg. No one cares, so we're not talking about it.

I know the egg's name (Shelly) but not yours. Well done, sir.

Um, her dialog with Alessandro is FANTASTIC. He is ready to "compromise" allowing Emily & her daughter into his life. She gives him the boot on the spot. Gloria Steinam would be proud(ish).

Side note 1: Love that the cameras caught her with combat boots on under her dress.

Side Note 2: She loves Arie. ARIE FOR THE (possibly prearranged) WIN.

Everyone gets a rose except for the Jersey Shore Cast off "MC". Back to Jersey for you.

Until next week.

Bachelorette Recap: Tragedy Strikes

I'll just come right out and say it.

I missed the first hour.

There is a chance the DVR rejected the programming based on the content. Wise, wise machine.

I tuned in just in time to see Kermit zipping up one of Emily's Merry Go Round prom dresses. BLAST! If I missed these idiots singing "Rainbow Connection" in unison...Someone. Will. Pay.

This isn't creepy. Not at all.

Cut to her date with Joe at the Greenbriar. Couple thoughts:

1) I went to the Greenbriar 20 years ago. I do not remember it being that pink.

2) Is she, or is she not borrowing all of her gowns from the Toddlers & Tiaras set?

3) Sure he seems a little cheesy, but really? He goes home? I want to believe you when you say you take this "journey" seriously, but, um, I don't. Fool me once ABC, shame on you. Fool me 17 times?  Shame on me. 

See yah.

Time for the Rose Ceremony...

Up first, we've got Ryan. He must be a fan of Game of Thrones. That's the only explanation I can come up with for the dramatic SEVEN PAGE letter delivered via scroll. Thankfully the editors cut to commercial midway through page one. Unfortunately for Tony, his ill-timed attempt for alone time forced him to endure every last word.

Winning.

Kalon is crying on a porch swing. Apparently the other boys were mean to him on the playground during recess so he is pouting. He keeps using very big words to describe simple emotions. I think I get why the other guys wanted to kick him out of the playhouse.

What? My lips are just like that.

Ari...Nothing to make fun of you for. Keep up the good work.

I like race car drivers. I can't help it.

John...I'm fairly confident no one - and I mean no one - calls you "Wolf". Like ever. I'm guessing your buddies back home get a kick out of that stunt every time the super comes up on screen.

I haven't done anything yet, but my nickname is slayin' it.

Jef. She digs you. There's no way she'll end up with you, so enjoy it while it lasts. Also, can't wait for you  to get back in the studio with Gwen & the rest of No Doubt. Miss you guys.

I want you cause I can't tell if you want me.

Until next week.