Am I the only one missing Courtney, Ben's "winner" from last season? At least she did stuff.
Anyhoo, it's up to the pack of gems ABC corralled to conjure up some drama. Best they can come up with is teasing Doug, the recipient of the first date. See guys, he's very sensitive. And very stepford. There's something sinister brewing in there....
Side note: Alejandro the 24-year-old Mushroom Farmer is worried he's never had a one-on-one date.
Put me in coach!
Date 1: I'm sorry, I fell asleep.
I think it's safe to say the most boring date in Bachelorette history can be summed up as follows:
"This is what people do on vacation. They walk around town, they entertain each other." - Emily, Master of the Obvious
Emily (who appears to have a metallic butterfly sprouting out of her hoo-haa), is questioning whether or not Doug is too good to be true. Based on the quotes below, the answer is no:
"I'm just a guy. I'm not wealthy, I'm not poor. I'm not a genius, I'm not a dummy." - Doug, The Intellect
"If Emily wants a kiss from Doug, she'll let Doug know."
Buh-Bye.
In a sailing race best described as the opposite of riveting, the yellow team beats the red team. What does this mean? Arie and Jef + 2 other guys whose names don't matter get to hang out with Emily while 4 other guys whose names I don't remember are sent back to the hotel. Worth noting, however, is that one of the nameless guys is crying.
A bunch of losers.
"God designed you to be a beautiful woman. So be a beautiful woman." - Ryan, the standing President of the Ryan Fan Club
"There's a lot of depth here. I'm not here to impress you, I'm here to make an impression on you."
Jef-minus-the-f, steals Emily away to tell her how much he, "like - likes her - like really". They have a really sweet "vibe" between them. In other news, Jef has been cast as the final Power Ranger in the upcoming ABC Family reboot.
"I like roses, 'n stuff."
Date 3: Quinoa "cue-no-ah".
The dreaded 2-on-1 date is up next. Swimming, sailing, & awkwardness abound. It's pretty obvious she's not interested in either one of these duds, but for approximately 7 minutes of air time, she will pretend they have a shot.
After a heart-to-heart with guy #1, Emily describes him as if he's a classmate of little Ricki's. Little peanut. I choose to find it endearing that he pronounced "Quinoa", "cue-no-ah".
Guy 2, formerly know as "Wolf", takes a more adult approach, scoring the rose. At least for one more week.
The dreaded 2-on-1 date is up next. Swimming, sailing, & awkwardness abound. It's pretty obvious she's not interested in either one of these duds, but for approximately 7 minutes of air time, she will pretend they have a shot.
After a heart-to-heart with guy #1, Emily describes him as if he's a classmate of little Ricki's. Little peanut. I choose to find it endearing that he pronounced "Quinoa", "cue-no-ah".
Guy 2, formerly know as "Wolf", takes a more adult approach, scoring the rose. At least for one more week.
Nailed it.
The Rose Ceremony: The Allusion of Drama.
Instead of spraying her mom with her weekly dose of perfume, Ricki is spending time with her tutor, learning words 'n stuff. What a perfect moment for another Emily voiceover, reminding us why she's here. OPERATION BABY DADDY.
Ryan, everyone's favorite douche bag, announces that he is in talks with the "local media" regarding a bachelor show of his own (only if this one doesn't work out, of course). The rest of the dudes are starting to think this guy isn't really here for Emily. You simply cannot slip anything by this pack of scholars.
After making the rounds with the remaining crew (where Arie is clearly in the lead), she gives the boot to the guy who cried in the van & the guy with the long hair (who cried in rain).
The biggest loser of all? Emily's horse ponytail. #extensionfail
See you in London for a little Dowton Emily.
